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Swine TV – silly season special

August 6, 2012

If you don’t fancy watching knights jousting and Uncle Toms draping themselves in the flags of their oppressors, then Swine will point you in the direction of the some of worst ever telly to appear in this or any other washed out summer of misery.

Crass – The Musical

Following on from How Do You Solve A Problem Like Uriah Heap and Jesus Christ Reality Star, Lord Andrew Loog Oldham searches the scrapheaps of Pontins karaoke bars to find the stars of his new musical extravaganza ‘Crass On Ice.’ Who will be worthy of Lord Lloyd George’s famous catchphrase ‘You are my next NA Palmer, you’re sacked!’

The Unforgetable Ian Brady

A tribute to one of Britain’s best loved child killers, a raft of fellow psychopaths, murderers and nonces pay their respects to the one and only Moors Murderer who wasn’t Myra Hindley.

Bradley Wiggins – A New Kind Of Hero

He’s the greatest cyclist of all time and has sideburns, listens to 60s music, has opinions and doesn’t speak entirely in cliches. He’s so un-BBC that ITV have signed ‘Wiggo’ up as their new chat show host. Fuck Eamonn Holmes, the fat cunt, Brad’s got the patter and the sideys and rides a bike dead, dead fast.

The Only Way Is Auschwitz

It’s 1944 and Hitler decides to fulfil the Nazi dream to slaughter every Jew in the world. But who would you save? Join our secret Shindler as he goes undercover in the Warsaw ghetto, to decide who’s worthy of a second chance and who ‘gets on the train.’

Big Fat Lazy Cunt v Human Skeleton

Laugh out loud as a big fat lazy cunt’s heart explodes whilst an anorexic girl starves herself to death for your amusement.

Slug Watch

Ever wondered what slugs do when they’re not kipping and eating dog shit? Our multi-million pound SlugCam follows a family of slugs over 6 years to record their migraton paths and mating rituals in a fascinating experiment that proves slugs aren’t just snails without shells but highly intelligent super-evolved slimy bastards that will one day rule the universe.

Rain Rain Go Away

It’s been the rainiest summer since Noah and Nelly built their wooden horse and twatted the Trojans. Our beloved weathermen and girls explain how the gulf war has affected weather patterns since Michael Fish tragically died in a trawlernet.

Direct Line Comedy Marathon (in aid of Help For Heroes or something)

All your favourite edgy comedians from the hilarious Direct Line adverts appear on one stage for one night only as they recreate the classic sketches from five years of insurance commercials. Sir Armando Ianucci narrates.

Brian Eno’s Lino Bingo

The former Roxy Music trombonist plays a cerebral game of ambient bingo with guests Jah Wobble and Michael Nyman whilst sat on a roll of 70s lino for no apparant reason.

Jeremy Kyle In Yemen

Jezza brings his no holds barred brand of relationship guidance to a tribal area of Yemen where adulterers and lippy wives are stoned to death and burned alive for daring to look in a mirror. The DNA tests are back and the kettle’s on!

Grass Up Your Parasite Pal

Do you suspect your so-called best mate of claiming bogus Tax Credits based on their earnings six years ago or your mum of avoiding tax by cleaning the old lady next door’s bungalow for a tenner cash in hand? Well it’s law abiding, honest mugs like me and you who are paying for these scumbags to live a life of luxury in their 30 bedroom council house mansions so do your patriotic duty and phone our 24 hour grassline NOW!

Jimmy Carr’s Car Crash TV Show

The nation’s favourite tax avoiding gagsmith wanders around the country’s motorways with a camcorder filming real car crashes as they happen and making quips as firefighters and paramedics tend to the injured.

Gary Barlow’s Fifth Dimension

Somewhere in an alternative universe there is a man who has modelled himself on the Disney era Elton John and has become the world’s number one musical king maker. This is Gary Barlow’s fifth dimension, a surreal topsy turvy place where kings and queens and princes and princesses still rule and poor people wave flags and say ‘aren’t they lovely? I’m so proud to eat their shit.’

Lawro n’ Lammo

The BBC’s grumpy footy pundit and 6music’s terminally cheery 6th form DJ join forces to make up new nicknames for their crazy gang of fellow arselicking BBC pals.

Gok’s Mock Croc Frock Epoch

Everyone’s favourite Chinese arse bandit shows fat houswives from Northamptonshire how to look frumpy as fuck in a range of Cath Kitson hausfrau pinnies.

Russell Russell’s Russell Time

Boss eyed, quiff headed conjoined comedy twins Russell Russell make juvenile jokes about celebrities as only they can. ‘Jessica Ennis – I’d DP her on my own!’ etc etc

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