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Kenny Kicker’s News Blast

August 2, 2012

Mossad, Mossad, Mossad lad!

That Tetrus Pack fellar who topped his bird and then hid her in a Head bag under the ironing pile for 6 years, got a touch there eh? Nice little walk over from the CPS and guess why? He’s Mossad lad! This fellar I was in jug with, Mad Pat, The Limerick Strangler told me all about these two. He did their drive for them back in the 90s, said they were always cracked off their tits and had loads of cartons of milk piled up in the garage. He was there one day doing the guttering and looked in the bedroom and Boris Yeltsin, George Bush Senior, John Major, Edwina Curry, Roman Abramovich, Frank Carson, Ali and Mehmet from EastEnders, the bird from Countdown and Alan Titchmarsh were all having an orgy on a rubber mat. That Rausing fellar was filming it all and his missus was passing round gold fish bowls of beak served by midgets wearing gas masks.

Next thing, someone spots him blimping, think it was Mehmet and he gets off in his van back to his campsite. Next day, there’s an helicopter over the vans and all these Matrix lads are coming down rope ladders lobbing stun greanades and smoke bombs and then all these MI5 fellars wearing black suits and shades just like them two out of Predator surround em and put em in the back of a laundry van. Next thing, Pat and his missus, Bridget are sat in this underground bunker somewhere near Tel Aviv and Woody Allen’s shining a big light in their eyes asking em where Eva is and they’re going ‘we don’t know what you’re on anbout lad’ and then out of the shadows steps out that fellar from The Persuaders with the bowler hat and that Kirsty bird from Location Location Location start twatting em with baseys.

After a day of this, they put em in a cell with Bin Laden, Yasser Arafat, Col Gaffafi, Saddam Hussein and that kid from the Manic Street Preachers, which is when they realise, it’s all a big cover up, the Arab Spring, the ET abductions, fluoride in the water, the Greek economic meltdown, Zara Phillips winning Sports Personality of The Year, Roswell, JFK, 911, Man City winning the league, everything made sense. Then next thing, he wakes up back in this alehouse in Kentish Town and his memory’s been wiped clean, he can’t remember a thing about it until he clocks this photo of Hans Christian Anderson and it all comes back to him; the orgy, the beak, the milk cartons, the bird from Relocation zapping his knackers with jump leads, Duncan Goodhew laughing his cock off.

Tellin’ yer lad, if they found my missus in a Head bag, tied up with lazzy bands with an orange in her gob and 26 mills of Domestos up her arse, rotting away in the lobby under me footy kit, then I’d be banged up in Walton for life lid, no questions asked. But nah, this lad’s got the lizards on his brief, Cameron’s kid brother, Prince Edward, Bernard Hogan-Howe, Bradley Wiggins, Willie Carson, Henry Kissinger, Jason Orange, her from the Shake and Vac advert, they’re all in on it lad, swear down. Yeah and 20 Marly lights please love.

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