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Newspunch Wednesday 11th July – Poor Woman Found Dead In Council Flat

July 11, 2012

Eva Skint, one of the poorest women in Britain was yesterday found dead in her home in Bootle. Skint’s husband, Ged Skint was later arrested and let off with a caution. Police said Skint had suffered enough and that, although he and his wife had been arrested many times for possesion and distribution of class A drugs, jailing them was no answer to the couple’s problems. Chief Constable Sir Bob Hypocrite told Swine ‘this is a tragic case. The Skint family are well known to the police in Bootle and we’ve really tried hard to help them in the past but it’s a disease isn’t it? All those burglaries and shoplifting crimes they committed were cries for help and, as a society, we all have a duty to help those who are often marginalised and stigmatised by their addictions.’

However some member sof the millionaire addict community reacted with outrage. Tarquin Top-Hatt told us ‘if the same thing happened to me and my billionaire heir chums, we’d be slammed in the chokey before you could say ‘phone daddy and get him to a word with the DPP will you Jeeves?’ It’s just typical double standards; one law for the poor and another one for the rich. Imagine if my wife and I were caught smuggling heroin and crack into say the American embassey and then a massive stash of class A drugs were found in our Chelsea mansion. Do you think the Peelers and Judge Karl Marx would pat us on the head and give us a stern ticking off? No, we’d be placed on the first boat to the colonies for 30 years hard labour. The whole thing stinks.’

News analyst, Jeff Vomit defended media coverage of the Skint case. ‘this is one of the smallest stories of the year. A heroin addict no-one cares about is killed by her poverty stricken husband in a flat in Bootle. Stories don’t get any smaller than that. It’s only right that we reflect public indifference and ignore this story at all costs. It just goes to show, you can have all the worst things in life, a brutal upbringing, a terrible education, no career prospects and a horrible place to live and still descend into a life of drugs and crime. Some people don’t know how unlucky they are.’

Members of the Bootle Smack Alliance reacted with sadness at the news. ‘You don’t expect it to happen to people who lives in decaying council flats do yer? It’s usually those posh bastards from Mayfair who drop dead or are stabbed to death by their fellars or whatever happened. It’s tragic lad, we’re gonna have a whip round on the estate to help pay for the headstone like.’

Swine tried to contact Russell Brand for a trite soundbite but the former addict was said to be too busy posturing at a Narcotics Anonymous meeting to speak to us. However Amy Winehouse’s arl fellar told us ‘this is another tragedy but obviously not as much of a tragedy as the death of my tragic daughter who tragically died before I could milk her fame for more millions. Have you read my book ‘I’m Tragic Amy’s Dad Vol 6?’

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