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Not A Lot!

July 5, 2012

I was flicking through the Metro this morning there was a massive ad for some whopper calling himself ‘Dynamo’who I assumed was one of these shite grime rappers who make desperate trance pop tunes with ‘yget me’ monotone rapping to give it a bit of ‘cred.’ Have these pricks never heard of Rakim? Doom? Derek B? Anyway on closer inspection Dynamo isn’t a grimer at all, he’s something even worse, a ‘street’ magician. I should’ve sussed cos the ‘a’ in Dynamo is an ace of hearts. See what he did there?

Just what the world needs, another fucking magician! Aaah, but magic’s making a come back isn’t it? The X Factor and New Faces USA are chocka with twats in tight black Burtons suits sawing their bird’s head off and pulling dead hedhehogs from baseball caps. David Blaine ofcourse re-marketed ‘magic’ from the showwbiz, poodle perm Las Vegas lights and mirrors merchants towards a more deconstructed, street level version of card tricks and elevation.

All we really had to go on was tricky camera angles and the reactions of the ‘real people; mostly hip black yoot who aren’t easily fooled by bullshit jive artists (y’dig?). ‘Shhheeyat!’ Dave seemed to float above the air, Dave caught a cap in his ass, Dave er, sat in a box for a year. Blaine’s magic soon turned into basic feats on endurance and his carefully constructed ‘enigma’ became copied by both magicians old and new. Fuck, even Paul Daniels tried to gegg in on the ‘nu magic’ craze.

The skill with magic is to be clever enough to briefly persuade people who know it’s a trick into believing it’s not. We know that David Copperfield didn’t really make the Empire State Building disappear but Al Queda really did make the twin towers disappear. That’s Al Queda the Islamist terror group not a new street magician. Ali Bongo is my kind of magician. Old Skool! Bunnys, floppy wands, funny walks, all that shit!

Magic should be entertainment first and foremost, and magicians should either develop some new shtick with whch to impress us or just accept that they are on the same level as jugglers, fire eaters and clowns. Pomposity and pretension don’t suit magic, so Blaine’s plazzy mystic routine just made him look even more of a knobhead. If he really wants to be Aleister Crowley he should take a load of acid, lock himself in the outside bog and fuck a goat for a week not walk about with a shite betty pen drawing of an eye on his palm and try to scare Eamonn fucking Holmes.

Most kids got a poxy magic kit as a Chrizzy prezzie and made the egg disappear or cut off their penis with a penknife didn’t they? Or was that just my kit? Anyway, I bet Dynamo doesn’t pluck eggs from the arse of a wooden chicken or pull miles of streamers out of a top hat. Nah, I bet Dynamo walks around the mean ghetto streets pulling cards from the foreskin of passing bizzies and stopping double decker busses by making a fucking T Rex appear out of a Pringles tin or something. Can’t wait!

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