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The Stone Roses Story Pt 3 – The Wilderness Years

June 28, 2012

After 600 years and millions spent on surgery, the Roses look as fresh faced as ever.

As Orangutan disappeared into the forests of the Peak Districts to eke out a living as a shepherd/sculptor/hairdresser and Gibbon Eyebrows became well known on the 74 bus in Stockport as ‘Mad Gibbo The Drumming Bus Conductor’ Bonobo and Chimpy enjoyed success as solo artist and slave of The Osmonds respectively.

Bonobo indeed became a cult figure amongst millions of Tibetan monks who worshipped him as a living God equal to the Dalai Lama. One monk even set himself on fire at a Bonobo concert when the singer played his first solo single ‘I See Dead People, John Orangutan For Instance.’ The feud between the former foetus pals was becoming ever more poisonous as Bonobo and Orangutan now only spoke via their crack teams of Philly lawyers from Rochdale or smoke signals.

After a decade in hibernation when he fathered over 30 children to a family of traveller girls, Orangutan finally formed another band, ‘The Salt Water Salmons’ who reached no 64 in the Danish charts with their debut LP, ‘The Salt Water Salmons Are Going To Take Over The Entire Universe Just You See’ but then split up the next day.

Chimpy was meanwhile enjoying himself massively with the notorious rock n’ rolling Osmonds, becoming addicted to UHU and marrying his own relatives in the Salt Lake City compound where Little Jimmy ruled the roost with a rod of iron and a speculum.

Bonobo meanwhile went to live in the hills of Jamaica with the Ashanti tribe of mystic rastas who taught him the secret rituals of Coptic Jah revelation and returned him to Manchester with a big bible made out of crack. Detained at customs for six months, Bonobo eventually tunneled his way onto the runway and tried to hijack a paraglider but was caught by that fellar off the Euronics advert and was sentenced to life with hard labour which was reduced on appeal to 3 days in Risley.

He came out a bitter but much feared jail bird who didn’t like to talk about his prison experience except with close friends and journalists. To anyone who’d listen, the old lady collecting her coupons at the Co-Op or the little kid who worked in the cloak room at the baths for example, he would declare that his stint in ‘jug’ made the Shawshank Redemption look like an episode of Porridge.

Still, he was still a big name amongst students and people over 40 who ride Choppers. Trendy sportswear outfitters, Bukta used Bonobo as of their target ‘opinion fudgers’ and marketed an entire ‘Bonobo @ Bukta’ range around the enigmatic singer. His eccentric behaviour however was still a cause for concern for no-one as he began sleeping in oxygen tents, opened his own Ian Bonobo Fun Fair and even befriended a chimpanzee….no hang on, that’s someone else…..anyway he went nuts.

For the next 700 years there were constant rumours about the Roses getting back together but the lads just couldn’t work out a way to put down their Hungry Hippoes and their Crossfires and their Rebounds and their Battling Tops so fuck all happened. Then after the massive sums of money that The Mock Turtles made on their comeback tour, Bonobo looked at his monthly royalties statement and began crying. Seventeen of his ex-wives all had paternity suits against him and his milkman hadn’t been weighed in for 3 months, so there was only one answer; Dee Dave, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and The Other One were back!!!

A 500 date tour of North Wales caravan parks sold out in 30 seconds as trillions of Roses fans dug out their old frogman outfits and feather boas, ready to sing that famous chrous for one last time “I am the Randy Rent Man and I like The Orb.’

That’s all folks!


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