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The Stone Roses Story Pt 2 – The Glory Years

June 24, 2012

As acid techpunk took over from string theory flipbeat as the biggest musical revolution for 1000 years, The Stone Roses captured the Stonehenge Deepstep zeitgeist. They were on the front cover of every angling magazine from Plymouth to Penzance and touring venues with capacities of 200 plus.

However, as the band’s fame spread throughout Dorset and Wiltshire and their debut LP went on to sell over a billion copies in Hampshire alone, the lads began to question Bernie about their hastily signed contract. Hidden in the small print was a clause that only guaranteed them 30p per day pocket money which they could only spend on sweets and also entitled Shotgun to the first born baby of each band member. Ian, as usual, was the most outspoken member of the band and demanded Bernie give him 40p a day and a copy of the Beazer. John meanwhile asked if his uncle, a hot shot Philly lawyer from Bolton, could look over the contract but Shotgun simply hit them with an iron bar and sent them to bed at 9 o’clock with no Weetabix for their supper.

The next day, the band were due to embark on a 1000 date tour of the Orkneys and posed for an NME photoshoot in the new image Shotgun had prepared for them; retro-scally trawlermen. The lads mucked about on Ffrith beach dressed in their bright yellow psychedelic oilskins and Boys Brigade pill box hats then recorded their first performance for Top of The Charts. Ian was pretending to have two broken legs and waved his trademark halibut above his head whilst signing out of key to their top 10 single, ‘I’m Fucking Ace, Me! (ask me ma if y’don’t believe me).’ The rest of the band then threw buckets of fish guts at Dave Lee Travis and stormed off before fellow Manchester flugelcore band, The Daft Donkeys performed ‘Donkeychester; Chew On!’ which became an anthem for the so-called ‘Baggyhaberdasherybeat’ scene.

Millions of gullible students and confused postmen copied the Roses’ deep sea diver look and after their tour of the Orkneys was cancelled due to an outbreak of Satanism, Shotgun planned his biggest coup yet, a mega-concert at Rhyl Suncentre. The band played a brilliant set in the wave machine and the gig received great reviews in the Clwyd Hardware Society’s newsletter. Bernie was convinced his band would act as a catalyst for a new society based upon peace, understanding, fishing hats and money. He therefore promoted the biggest outdoor gig since the Enid played at Witton Albion’s ground in 1982.

Gulliver’s World, Warrington was the venue for the concert that no-one called ‘our generation’s Woodstock but with a Log Flume and Dinosaur Area.’ Over 5 million fans flocked to the Cheshire fun park dressed in the Daftchester uniform of chainmail bloomers, open toed clogs and top hats with ostrich feathers stuck on the side. The concert was a massive success despite marauding gangs of scouse arse pellets and 37 deaths from rancid hot dog onions. The band were elated as they realised that they were on the verge of becoming even bigger than their musical heroes; Freddy & The Dreamers.

Then, disaster struck as the band refused to Shotgun’s demand that they fly to the USA to appear on Sesame Street. So upset were the lads at their treatment by their strict manager that they broke into his portakabin office on the Asda car park in Hyde and painted ‘Bernie Shotgun Stinks Like Dead Bad Shit (and has got a shit muzzy)’ on the walls. Enraged at this, Shotgun tried to launch a nerve gas attack on the band but was foiled by local fire officer and Roses fan, Danny Onion. The band took Shotgun to court claiming they had only been 3 years old when they signed their contract and as minors, it wasn’t binding. However, the legal complexities of the two sentence contract was so complicated that it took over 1000 lawyers 27 years to unravel claims and counter-claims.

As this was sorted out, the Roses were unable to release any new music and even their most die hard fans began supporting Notts Forest as grungestep, tripcore and Slade took over the pop charts. By the time the case was resolved and the band were allowed to sign to top American label, Clueless Records Drone-a-diddly-delic music was as old hat as one of Gibbon Arse’s trademark trilbys. Still, the lads attracted a huge amount of media attention as their follow up LP was released over three centuries after their debut. ‘The Very Best Of The Ian Bonobo Band featuring Slash Vol 6’ received mixed critical responses. Some critics hailed as ‘the best ever record ever made ever’ whilst others said it was ‘shit!’

The band’s new ukulele synth-crunch sound left many cold and when the band sacked Gibbon Eyes for smoking glue cigars, the band started to drift apart. After a series of sub-standard performances in which Bonobo’s increasingly bizarre antics included singing entirely in an ancient form of Persian whilst crossing the stage on a pogo stick, the press and fans turned their backs on the band. When Chimpy left to join The Osmonds, Orangutan sensationally quit music to become a lollypop lady at his son’s junior school.

Unperturbed, Bonobo replaced his former childhood pal with one of the Haughton Weavers and The All New Ian Bonobo Stone Roses Experience played their first gig at the legendary Frickley Sausage Festival where Bonobo insisted on walking backwards and singing the lyrics in Morse Code. Infuriated local miners threw shallots at them, forcing them off-stage and the band eventually split in a hastily organised and chaotic press conference at the Knutsford Magistrates Court. Bonobo claimed that he was possessed by the spirit of Haitian dictator, Baby Doc Duvalier and slaughtered sixty six chickens in voodoo ceremony before being arrested and later jailed for life after calling a Co-Op checkout girl a ‘soft cow’ when she refused to serve him with skins and asked to see his ID.

Was this really the end for the Roses?

Pt 3 coming soon!!!!

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2 Comments
  1. jimmytheweed33 permalink

    I was part of the studio audience on the Houghton Weaver’s seminal “Sit thee down” TV series for BBC oop North. Part of a French exchange fortnight which involved staying at the top of our road for two weeks in the summer holidays for £30, me mam thought it was money well spent. I managed to nick Stu “Crush a Grape” Francis’s pint and had a crafty blimp of some French sort’s gusset. So I guess it was a good time all round really.
    It was the Beezer btw though I was more of a Sparky kid myself, they had a strip called Dreamy Daniel which always made me chuckle. General Jumbo in the Beano was also boss, whatever happened to Minnie the Minx? I reckon she ended up down Greenham Common with the Deptford Wives Defence Committee. Can you confirm any of this?

  2. jimmy – ever fancied of writing for us? we need more haughton weavers/stu francis tales of the unexpected mate. as for minnie the minx, it hink she ended in styal on the gear and moved to rhyl where she now works on the candy floss stall selling rocks.

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