The Jubilee – statstwat!!!
* over 7 trillion people watched the jubilee concert across the world and space
* over six million miles of bunting was sold over the weekend stretching from the queen’s arsehole to the moon and back
* gary barlow is now the most popular person in history and is considering injecting himself into Prince William’s foreskin
* the royal family only costs each person in Britain 30p per day – the price of a tabloid paper – now that’s value for money!
* the queen has waved over a billion times in her 60 year reign and suffers from wrist lock
* over 17 million pints of lager and 30,000 tonnes of sausage rolls were consumed in over a million street aprties up and down Britain and the commonwealth
* prince edward’s bald patch is expanding faster than the universe according to Wayne Rooney’s transplant surgeon and could pose a health risk to the people of Northern Ireland if not treated urgently
* the duchess of cambridge’s striking dresses were bought from Asda using a kited cheque card
* volunteer stewards were pelted with horse shit by junior members of the royal entourage as they queued up in the rain for their coaches back to Wigan according to eye witnesses
* UKPLC attracted over 60 million new visitors over the jubilee weekend making a profit of £700 billion which is being invested in a state-of-the-art 3-D games room for Prince Harry to play out his soldier fantasies
* The Duke Of Edinburgh missed his wife’s special day because he couldn’t be arsed according to a source close to the internet.
* Jamie Oliver is said to be mighty pissed off after his request to make a special Jubilee sausage that would circle the globe was rejected by royal caterers who selected one of Ian Beale’s finger buffets instead for over 800,000 guests at Buckingham House
* The transit of Venus across the sun actually stopped for over three hours as the planet paid its respect to the greatest celestial object in the solar system – ‘venus has always been a massive royal family fan’ said the planet’s spokesperson ‘and wanted to stop orbiting the sun for just a few hours in recognition of the queen’s 60 years bringing peace, harmony, understanding and shit hats to every single atom in the known universe and even beyond that!’
* The union jack has been voted the best flag ever by readers of Union Jack Fan magazine (incorporating Swastika Weekly)
* Republican Groups claim the trillion people who massed in the mall were all foreign tourists and depressed pensioners when in fact the biggest crowd to gather in one place ever in history was made up of BBC reporters, smiling black people and Taliban war lords.
* The Queen’s estate has been valued at over £25,000 but she has to pay her own lecky and scratch cards out of that.
* Prince Andrew was banned from the after party in case he fucked all the brasses ordered for Saudi diplomats
* The river Thames was seen to cry tears of joy as the queen travelled down its watery trajectory.
* If you put all the jubilee and royal stories in a skip it fill a skip the size of Jupiter.