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Who really invented punk?

June 4, 2012

With the Punk Britannia nostalgia fest currently showing the young uns what they missed 36 years ago…not much acually, the debate is still raging ‘who really invented punk rock?’ Was it Iggy Pop, Doctor Feelgood or David Bowie? Was it Televison, The Ramones or Kenny? Was it Jerry Lee Lewis, Gilbert O’Sullivan or Gary Barlow? In fact punk goes back much further than the 70s all the way back to ancient Mesopotamia infact.

Ancient Babylonian cuneiform tablets have been dicovered in a shed belonging to Huddersfield postman, Barry Melt that have only recently been transcribed. One of the tablets states ‘that in the reign of Nebucadnobhead, a wild eyed warrior from the land of the Phlegmites did come to wage war armed only with a lute and his name was known as Strumma and he laid waste to the land of the Progites.’

Ancient Greek texts claim Archimedes invented punk whilst atempting to measure the circumference of the sun with a cucumber and a hot knife. As the Romans beseiged Syracuse, Archimedes sounded a bell that made such a terrible noise that the Romans ran away holding their ears

Later scholars claim punk was an arab invention and that medieval Cordoba was the first city to have a punk scene. Moorish scribe Abar Al Baba records ‘around the cellars of the great mosque there came a great wailing sound and the cries of occultists that greatly worried the caliph and the common people who began to drive these subterranean creatures out to the mountains with sticks and spears. The cellars then resounded once more to the sound of MORish music much favoured by the Yankites’

Elizabethan pirate Redbeard also stakes a claim for inventing punk on the island of Hispaniola. An account of Redbeard’s life written by Rev James Penis mentions ‘Redbeard coming across a tavern in the great port of the Caribs and became possessed of a terrible spirit that caused him to jumputh up and down and to vomit upon the soil whilst screaming the most terrible obscenities, insulting not only his fellow pirates and comrades in arms but also Queen Bess herself and the very land of his ill-starred birth.’

Yet all these sources are totally unreliable and cannot be trusted so Swine has decided to cut to the chase and claim that punk was in fact invennted by Jeremy Dyson, the inventor of the bagless vaccuum cleaner and co-writer of The League Of Gentlemen.

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