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Rick Witter Biography Announced
Rick Witter, of Shed 7 fame lifts the lid on the crazy highs and desperate lows of life as the vocalist in a Blue Square Britpop band. Gasp as Witter tells the world how he :
• Snorted crushed up Fisherman’s Friends and injected himself with insulin to control his diabetes
• Felt terribly homesick after a tour of North Yorkshire and contemplated phoning his mum in a Harrogate Travelodge
• Wrote a song with ‘gold’ in the title to cash in on the Olympics, commonwealth games and world egg and spoon championships
• Disappeared into total obscurity for 15 years and ended up weighing over 32 stones
• Triumphantly returned to reclaim his worst dressed man in Britpop crown
• Wrote a best selling book about his ups and downs due to be serialized in the Goole Bugle.
Princess Diana to be next X-Factor Judge
In a typically bold move that has left his enemies gasping Simon Cowell has sensationally signed Princess Diana as the judge to replace Tulissa on the next series of the X-Factor. The high waisted impresario told reporters :
“This has been kept under wraps for over a year. I first contacted the spirit of Lady Di through my great friend Mystic Baz, who’s very well known in the celebrity spook world. At first I was talking through the ether to Michael Jackson but he didn’t seem to be al there,and anyway, he wanted too much. Di, on the other hand talked total sense, she’s still very down to earth and says she watches all the programmes on heaven’s massive three mile wide plasma screen. I think she’ll fit in perfectly with Gary, who’s a massive fan and Dappy, who’s itching to do a duet with the Princess of Hearts. Ofcourse Di can’t magic herself down from heaven to do the show so we’ll have to rely on Mystic Baz to relay her thoughts to viewers.”
BBC bosses have dismissed the Diana story with disdain. “This sis nothing but a cheap gimmick and we at the BBC will stick to our guns and the next series of the Voice will only feature judges with a proven record in the business. So far we’ve lined up Robert Mugabe, H from Steps, Martin McGuinness and the dog from Britain’s Got Talent.”
Dubstep Stars Pay Tribute To Robin Gibbs
Dubstep godfather Appleblim has organized an all day event to pay tribute to former Bee Gee, Robin Gibb, the man Magnetic Man has called ‘The Man Who Invented Dubstep.’ In an underground bunker somewhere in Dulwich, Jakwob, Nero and Digital Mystiks will play their own versions of classic Bee Gees tunes. “it’s what Robin would’ve wanted, he was a massive dubstep fan” said Apleblim “and such a shame that he never got to see what his creation eventually evolved into. RIP Robin, you the don.”
Crap Crass Joke
Steve Ignorant and Penny Rimbaud go to a greek restaurant and both order the same dish, a mixture of tomato, feta cheese, onion and prawns. When their meals arrive, Steve takes one mouthful and spits it out.
“This is way too salty” the be-stencilled anarchist singer says “what’s yours like Penny?”
Rimbaud takes a mouthful of his meal, chews it for a while and pulls out a frozen prawn.
“These prawns aren’t even cooked, and yes, it’s far too salty. I’m not standing for it” the balding firebrand declares and calls the waiter over.
The waiter asks them if there is a problem.
“Yes there is”, says Rimbaud “the prawns are still frozen and the meal is far too salty. In fact I’d for as far to say that this is a Saganaki Nightmare.”