Mad Not Mad – Madchester 90 years on!
In a surpise warm up gig, The re-formed no lumps of fat or gristle guaranteed or your money back Stone Roses played a secret gig in Ian Brown’s ma’s shed yesterday. Residents in Abercrombie Crescent, Grappenhall were thrilled to see Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Cressa walking down the street dressed in their trademark baggy shoes and flared hairstyles.
Said one neighbour, Elsie Pension “I had no idea the Roses were playing literally just over the garden fence from my outhouse. All I had to do was show the big fellar stood in front of the shed door a signed copy of The Second Coming and next minute I was in, right at the front with Bill from No 54 and Alice from No 62, watching the best baggy band from our street back together for the first time in 80 years. It was electric. Ian was in fine voice as usual, he sings like an angel, an angel who’s had his tongue cut out, John was just as great an axeman as he was when he was ripping off Roger McGuinn and Jimmy Page all those years ago, Reni was as bonkers as ever with his trademark fishing rod and Mani, well, Mani’s just Mani isn’t he, a proper little prick. I can’t wait for the world tour to begin, all the street’s got a mini bus together for Heaton Park and Alice has even got a big North Face tatt on her arse.”
Peter Hook Owns Rights to ‘Manchester’
Peter Hook has bought the rights to the words ‘Manchester’ and ‘DJ’ – in future anyone using these words will have to negotiate intellectual copyright payments with Hook Crook & Partners PLC (Manchester TM) before
even thinking these words in their brains. Said the former New Order bassist ‘I invented Manchester back in Roman times when our profits from Wet Wednesday was used to set up Tony Wilson’s dooomed Land of Trampolines project and then when we invented hip hop back in the 60s, I became the world’s first person to play one record after another and so i reckon it’s only right that anyone who wants to use these words that i invented, has to pay me a cut. I’m from Salford y’know which I also invented so any fucker even thinking of using the word Salford like the BBC for example owe me billions in copyright pal.”
A host of former ‘Madchester’ stars and hangers on are competing in the inaugural Shaun Ryder Cup this summer. The idea was the brain child of former Happy Mondays manager Nathan McGough who has recently fell on hard times and can be spotted on Oldham Street doing a mad dance, telling everyone he invented acid house and is the secret love child of Roger McGough and Linda Eastman.
Said Nathan, “This is the thing Manchester has been waiting for ever since the Roses split up and Northern Uproar drowned on the Titanic. We’ve got all the top names appearing on the Salford precinct crazy golf course, Cressa, Stella from InterStellar, the ginger one from 808, MC Tunes, the drummer from Northside, even Gaz Whelan’s going to have a crack and he’s got a proper set of woods. Shaun’s gonna turn up and present the winners with a little plazzy trophy at the end, it’s gonna be top!”
However former Mondays keyboardist, Paul ‘Knobhead’ Davis is threatneing to sue McGough for stealing ‘his’ idea.
“I’ve been promoting the Paul ‘Knobhead’ Davis Cup for three years now” said Davis, “Nathan’s just ripping my idea off. Me, Mark Day, Mani, Dermo from Northside and Freddy Geraghty are all massive tennis fans and started a little tournament just for laugh really but then we got loads of interest from bands, record labels, Steven Speilberg, the lot, so Nathan’s just trying to steal the limelight as usual.”
Bez was unavailable for comment but a spokesman for the gangly percussionist told us “Bez is too busy organising a darts and crown green bowls festival with Bobby Gillespie at Gulliver’s World to be bothered with this latest farce. is this what it’s come to? Double proper sad.”
Local punks are helping celebrate the Jubilee by holding a one-off gig at the Lesser Free Trade Hall. organised by former anti-monarchist Terry Stalin who told Swine “we just young and naive back in 77, all that spitting and calling the queen a fascist, I’m a bit embarrassed by it all to tell you the truth. Now I relaise that the Queen’s always been alovely lady who just wants to serve her people as best she can and that the royal family are not the enemy at all, it’s the muslims! So the Buzzcocks, Slaughter & The Dogs, John Cooper Clarke, The Fall and Alberto Y Los Trios Paranoias have all re-formed to pay tribute to ‘Liz’ and they’ll be red, white and blue bondage pants, union jack mohicans and even a William and Kate bouncy castle for the kiddies.”