Tranzmitah – Pop news from around the globe
After complaints by catholic priests, page 3 tit-obsessed journalistic maggots and outraged sexless puritans, celebrity glam nonce, Gary Glitter has been banned from future ediitons of Top Of The Pops 2. Instead BBC producers have bowed to public demand and will only screen Glitter and other chart topping kiddy fiddlers of yesteryear in a post-watershed ‘Top of The Paedos’ special featuring Glitter, half of The Bay City Rollers, Bill Wyman, Pete Townsend, R. Kelly, Michael Jackson and a special appearance from the St Winifred’s School Choir performing ‘Grandad.’ Introduced by Jimmy Saville, the show goes out straight after Gok’s Under-age naked wankathon.
The nation’s favourite 90s NME hack retirement home/third rate Britpop singer pension fund/clueless comedy quiz show panellist sideline digital radio station has won a prestigeous ‘Cheesestrings Landfill station of the year’ award for its diverse range of chummy indie rock and rocky type indie music programming for ageing NME readers not ready for Chris Evans yet. Frustrared by not being nominated for a ‘Cheesy’ 6music’s very own comedy hip hop plazzy homeboy DJ, Huey Lewis took to twitter to ‘diss’ his fellow 6music DJs “shit damn mfucka, don’t no-one fuck wid da Goldie Lookin Chain of NYC homie. Craig Charles aint even black bro’ and never even been to Nam like me.’
New Festivals to re-invent festivals this summer
With no ‘Glasto’ this summer, what will the BBC do to help the middle classes feel all cosy and pleased with themselves like they’re all part of one big happy pop family where girls sit on the shoulders of their boyfriends waving big fuck off flags on poles to bands that people who don’t like music go to see like the Red Hot Chillie Peppers and The Kings Of Leon and er, Muse and Groove Armada. With festivals featuring Red Hot Groove Armada, Kings Of Muse and Adam & The All New Antz, there’s something for everyone, especially Lammo, Lady Lego, Joey Negro and Double O Bore-O in the 6music tent.
Leonard Cohen Not Dead Yet
Despite devoting a whole year to ancient miserablist pop poet, Leonard Nimmoy, the octogenarian Vulcan stoic has steadfastedly refused to croak even after releasing another album of piss poor reflections on a life spent fucking young women and moaning about it. A music industry insider said ‘after Gil Scott heron’s ‘I’m dead here’ LP we expected Lenny to follow Gil’s example and do the decent thing for our sales projections but the whining old fucker just keeps breathing and fucking pretty young things who think he’s some kind of wordly poet sex bomb, the jammy bastard.”