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Stick It!

May 10, 2012

The kind of people who put car stickers on their vehicles fall into a few categories, all of them pretty unsavoury.

The Adrenaline Junkie

Most likely to have ‘One Life, Live it!’ or some similar type of ‘I’m dead adventurous me, I live life on the edge, I’m daring, good in bed, kinda wild, you’ll like me, I’m so up my own arse!’ type message obscured under a three inch thick crust of mud on their 4×4. They’ve been over the Serengetti, the sahara and the pampas you see, or atleast Ainsdale beach and don’t bother washing their SUV as that’s for girlies, who don’t live in the fast lane like they do.

The Northern Soul/Radio station buff

Hey, I like music too but quite why anyone needs to advertise their musical taste on the back of their car baffles me. Would you put what kind of curry you like (I’m A Biryani Fan) or which third rate panel show host you like most (Bradley Walsh Rules). Now I like a bit of northern meself and know the difference between a 60s newie and a ropey bootleg cash in but I don’t see the need to let other drivers know that I get down to the Contours in me kitchen now and then. But atleast that’s more understandable than those utter nonentities who define themselves by which tedious MOR radio station they listen to whilst ‘cruising’ round Asda carparks. Heart, Kiss, Juice, Wire FM. That’s me all over baby.

Football Bores

Not content with one measly car sticker, the club fanatic will often have all parts of their cars devoted to their club of choice. The entire back windscreen will no doubt have ‘You’re In My Heart, You’re On My Car’ or somesuch sentimental mush accompanied by club badges on bumpers, club badges dangling from rear view mirrors, personalised plates LFC 001, Kop no1, MU td19, Wi77 0n, F15h 3R a7l3t1c etc. We get it, you don’t go to the match but you’re a MASSIVE fan all the same. These are the same beauts who are always dressed in some shitty replica top every time you see them and have shite badge tatts on their legs and never take their shorts off.

Religious Cranks

OK, so I mean Christians. How embarassing it is when some prick overtakes you at 100mph with one of those daft fishes on the back windscreen or stuck to the boot? The Speeding Christians would be a boss name for a band but as with the northern soulies there seems to be a deap seated evangelic need for these people to promote their faith to others. You love Jesus, nice one! Keep it to yourself mate. I don’t have a fucking hammer and sickle stuck to my bumper and I don’t see many muslims or jews with crescents or Stars of David stuck all over their Beamers and Volvos. What would jesus do? He only had a donkey.

The Proud Parent

Mum’s taxi/Dad’s Taxi – ho fucking ho! You’ve got kids eh? You drive them around quite a bit? Big deal! That’s what parents are supposed to do, isn’t it? Why try to crack on that you deserve some kind of credit or medal for dropping off your kids to scouts or satanic studies? I’m going to get one that says ‘I’ve had the snip and I hate my kids’ just to piss these pricks off.

The Spoilt Child

Probably the kids of the above, they have Little Princess or Powered By Fairy Dust on the back of their brand new VW Beetle and no doubt call their mams and dads all the cunts under the sun as soon as they’ve coughed up their insurance dough.

The Abusive Teenager/Overgrown Teenager

Some people never grow up and so anyone over the age of 19 who has some kind of insulting or abusive car sticker telling you to fuck off and place your genitals in a bowl of bleach or some other delightful piece of advice can go and place their genitals in a bowl of piping hot mullagatawny soup. Kenwood or MaxPower revheads are bad enough especially when they’re sat in a Nissan Micra but these pricks make them like National Trust members.

National Trust Members

Enough said.

The Travel Snob

Not content with putting all those international stickers all over their motors to show off where they’ve been on their travels, now they’ve got to fill up every inch of glass with obscure destination stickers just to let you know how fucking gung ho and exotic and wealthy they are; machu Pichu, Ulan Bator, Leigh.

The Over-protective New Parent

Slow Down! Baby On Board, Keep Your Distance! Baby On Board! Please don’t kill my baby mister, missus, see I’ve had sex atleast once and I’ve got my little treasure in a rickety car seat and don’t want you to plough into me as you might’ve done if you didn’t know there was a sleeping infant on the back seat.

Car Sticker Pricks Do It With Car Stickers

Ha ha ha! That’s dead funny that is. I bet you really love Peter fucking Kay and go around saying ‘it’s spitting’ and ‘what’s all that about?’ Chorley FM? tee hee, me too, I’ve seen him twelve time snow, got all the DVDs and the spin offs, I even tape Paddy’s Greggs adverts, that’s how much I love him. Kevin Bridges too, He’s the new Peter. Chad Hogan!!!!

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