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Sit-coms yet to be made # 1 – The Correspondents

May 9, 2012

Inside a British news studio somewhere in London Town.

News Anchor, Chris Tan is fixing his microphone whilst Andy Spine, the producer speaks to him through his earphone. A stage director is fussing around him.

Chris

(Chris has very rough scouse accent)

Stop fucking mithering me dickhead, Andy, we’re going straight to Happy Hannah after the headlines yeah?

Andy

(in studio control room)

Yeah, I’ve got her all set to go in 30 seconds, come on people, let’s do this thing!

Chris

Let’s do this thing! Are you taking the fucking piss or what lad?

Andy

Ok, 10……5……2…1…

News Theme Begins

Chris
(in very mild, posh accent)

Hello this is the Britnews late Evening news, I’m Chris Tan, these are the headlines.

Hannah O’Brien is off camera sharing a laugh with her camera crew. She is swigging lager from a bottle and pulling her skirt up much to the delight of the locals in a mid eastern village.

Cameraman

Hannah we’ve got to roll in a few seconds.

Hannah

Oh fuck off Pete, I’m on it.

Cameraman

Come on Hannah, put that miserable fucking face on love, we’re on in 20…..15….

Hannah

Chill the fuck out Pete, here we go, look at the face, happy, happy

Cameraman

7, 6, 5,

Hannah

Still happy,

Cameraman

3, 2…

Hannah

Sad as fuck!

Chris

Here reporting live from the village of Al Guma is our middle east correspondent Hannah O’Brien. Hannah can you tell us what has been the atmosphere in Al Guma after the latest rocket attack by insurgents?

Hannah

As you can see Chris, the village here is still in a state of shock and the locals here are terrified that the so-called freedom fighters will return in the next few days and cause yet more terror.

Chris

And are the locals still asking for NATO airstrikes that will protect them from the fanatical terrorists intent on slaughtering every man, woman and child in the area?

Hannah

Well, these people are still very nervous that once the allied troops leave, the insurgents and terrorists will return and so they tell me that they actually support the insurgency but go a little deeper into the countryside and the tribal leaders will admit they want rid of these terrorists and bandits once and for all so they can return to their traditional industry of heroin poppy production.

Chris

Have you seen any evidence of atrocities since being in Al Guma Hannah?

Hannah

Not personally Chris no but I have spoken to several people at the local hospital who said that they’ve witnessed babies being torn limb from limb by men in black turbans with fangs and very hairy hands.

Chris

Thanks Hannah and now we can go to our armed forces correspondent, Suzy Blood.

Hannah to cameraman

Right, thank fuck for that, let’s party boys!

Hannah picks up bottle and resumes strip with locals cheering and clapping her.

Chris

So Suzy, as Hannah reported from Al Guma, it appears that these insurgents have hit a new low, eating babies in some kind of ritualistic cannibal holocaust. What do the troops have to say on this?

Suzy

Well Chris, this comes as no surprise to the men here who have witnessed such scenes many, many times as they bravely liberate the local tribes people from the grip of these werewolf type terrorists. Infact Major Rupert Gravely has told me personally that he saved a family of twelve from a ferocious attack by these militant vampire fanatics. Of course Prince Henry is about to land here in three days time to resume his personal mission to capture the leader of the terrorists, Abu Omar and we have been given special behind the scenes access to the Prince as he plans his one man assault on the mountain stronghold where Omar is holed up like the coward he is.

Andy

We’re going straight to Dick in Exeter Chris.

Chris

If I can just bring in our royal correspondent, Dick Satchel here Suzy. Dick, you’re at Prince Henry’s base now as he prepares for his mission, can you tell us any more about this top secret military PR stunt?

Suzy to producer

Have you bumped me for that ginger prick again Andy?

Andy

We’ll be back to you in 2 minutes Suzy, Dick’s outside the barracks with the OB team right now

Suzy

Outside the barracks!! Whoppeefuckingdoo! I’m freezing my balls off in the middle of Goatfuck City and Dick Satchel’s having a hot toddy in Devon.

Dick

(very solemnly)

Well Chris, here at the Prince’s regimental barracks near Exeter, I can hear the unmistakable sound of the young Prince delivering one of his trademark tub thumping speeches to his men, men who have vowed to lay down their lives for his grandmother on behalf of an eternally grateful nation. If I could express the whole country’s gratitude to the brave Prince and his chums in 26 Commando Para regiment then far be it for me to…

Chris

Anything about the mission itself Dick?

Andy

After Dickhead’s finished we’re going to Sport Chris, Dave’s at the Stadium of Joy.

Dick

Well as you know Chris, this mission is top secret and needs to be kept that way to protect the Prince and his crack team of special forces navy otters. They are making their final preparations tonight and will fly out in two days time with five or six invited film crews then land in the border region before being flown to the Ul Kazar valley by a helicopter flown by his brother prince Frederick and then picked up by local tribal leaders who will take the Prince to Abu Omar’s secret stronghold where the Prince will personally scale the walls with a dagger between his lips and blow up the base singlehandedly without the aid of drones and mass air bombardment. We will of course be following the mission at every stage and bring our usual objectivity, balance and unbiased reporting protocols that are the envy of the world to this top secret story.

Chris

Thanks Dick and now sport.

Dick

(to runner)

Right get me a fucking taxi now, you boy, what’s your name?

Boy

Tabitha

Dick

Well Tabitha, if you ever want to get up close and personal to Prince Henry who’s a personal friend of mine, you’d better get a fucking cab here in the next three minutes or you’ll end up like all the other useless fucking interns in this place, working as a runner on a Question of Sport.

Suzi

(to Andy)

I don’t fucking believe this, you bump me for ginger bollocks and now you’re bumping me for the football?

Andy

Sorry Suzy you know how it is, United have just won the league for the 45th season in a row

Suzi

Yeah and I saw a young 18 year old lad get his leg amputated with a tin opener today…..you should’ve heard the screams, it was sooooo sexy!

Chris

So Dave, it looks like there’s a party outside the Stadium of Joy tonight

Dave

(surrounded by jubilant fans)

There certainly is Chris as United beat City 3 nil to win the league for an amazing 45th time in succession

Fans

Fuck off City! Fuck off City!

Dave

Apologies for the industrial language there but these fans have been waiting literally all season for this moment and boy, are they in the mood to celebrate.

Fans

My old man said be a City fan, I said fuck off you daft cunt!

Dave
OK that’s enough of that, cut it out OK, there are children watching this, you’re doing the image of football fans no favours at all

Fans

Shit on the City, shit on the City tonight

Fans swamp Dave as he attempts to arrest one of them – cuts quickly back to Chris in the studio

Andy

Back to Chris quick, come on, Chris straight to showbiz.

Chris

(startled)

Well er, yes, sorry about that but that’s live news for you, erm yes, showbiz news now and in New York our Hollywood reporter, Simeon Silverman is outside the glittering Gummy Awards

Simeon

(off camera)

Later darling, get me on the guest list…..of course he knows who I am I sucked his dick in an Earl’s Court toilet back in 83

Chris

Simeon we’re live, what’s the big news over there at the Gummy’s?

Simeon

Shit! Oh hi Chris well, the Barry Watford party is the place to be as usual and will host the likes of George Phoney and Liz Blarney who won best actor and supporting actor in a three part pilot on a pay per view digital channel only available in certain parts of the USA and which is why of course we will be bringing you full coverage of the Gummy’s after the news.

Andy

Ask the stupid queen to get the Brit angle or the fucking Daily Swastika crew will be all over Points of fucking View again.

Chris

So Simeon, any British success stories? Are The Brits Coming all over again?

Simeon

Oh yes, this year has been hailed as a huge success for us Brits with British born Canadian cartoonist Tom Fallon winning an award for best animated soundtrack with subtitles for his Chinese funded 8 hour epic, The Girl With The Magic Sewing Machine. Oh here comes Tom now. Tom, Tom, Simeon Silverman Britnews 1, tell me how do you feel on such a special night for British born Canadian cartoonist talent

Tom

What?

Simeon

What does it feel like….

Tom

Can’t hear you

(some other reporter grabs him)

Andy

Just cut him Chris, back to Dave at United.

Chris

Right, thanks Simeon, I think we can go back to Dave at the Theatre of Joy

Cameraman is being jostled and skewed footage shows Dave being dragged around the car park by a mob of frenzied football fans who have half stripped him and begin pissing on him.

Andy

Fuck! Fuck! I told that prick not to provoke the yobboes. Chris we’re going to have to go straight to Blackburn in the studio.

Chris

Right well, a few technical hiccups tonight, gremlins,

Andy

Blackburn’s waiting Chris….

Chris

Well, the shock news that supermarket chain, Asco has issued a dividend warning has caused the markets to react hysterically and the share value of the FTSI has dropped to a 30 year low. Our chief business reporter, Bob
Blackburn is with us in the studio. Bob

Bob

Hi Chris

Chris

Hi Bob

Bob

Get on with it man

Chris

So Bob what’s really happening here?

Bob

Well, you know I predicted this way back in the fall, when Asco’s chief executive Sir Tommy Scouser warned me that the company’s take over of Tesda was a huge mistake in retrospect and that the rising price of wheat had cost the company over 3 trillion dollars that forced them to make an emergency re-capitalisation share reissue loan option buying Sri Lankan government bonds at an inflated price and then selling them onto the Ukranian minerals market who invested the stocks in Icelandic fish guilds. The upshot of this was to virtually bankrupt the entire Norwegian economy forcing the wheat price to an unsustainable level that cost Asco billions in unsold cheese crackers.

Chris

So, it a nutshell Bob what does this mean for the average housewife when she visits Asco to buy her husband a new pair of office slacks or a pork pie?

Bob

Well, take my wife, no seriously, take my wife, I don’t want her! (laughs then leans back in chair) If we add the average bag of groceries cost at its current retail price index level and factor in petrol costs, mortgage interest rates, car tax, electricity and gas bills, scratch cards and cigarette duty then subtract child benefit, income tax and national insurance thresholds, working families tax credits and the winter fuel allowance then Mrs Average Housewife is approximately 30p worse off now than she was 6 years ago. So it’s a massive problem not only for Asco but also the prime minster who has promised each and every hard working mum, a 60p increase on their lipstick allowance.

Chris

Thanks Bob for your usual pinpoint analysis.

Bob leans back and stares angrily at Chris

Andy

You’re in for it now Chris.

Chris

And now here’s Uma with today’s weather

Bob

Are you taking the urine?

Chris

What do you mean?

Bob

What’s this ‘pinpoint accuracy’ crap all about?

Chris

I was paying you a compliment Bob.

Bob

Like hell you were, any more of these sarky comments from you and I’m off to ITV pal, I’ve been offered a fucking fortune to front their version of The Unpaid Intern so you be careful laddy! Where’s Andy, I want to make a formal complaint.

Bob takes of microphone and storms off set, where Andy is calming him down.

Uma

Well, it’s been a chilly old day, brrrrrr! I had to put my hat on, remember to wear a hat when it’s cold as most of your heat is lost through your feet so woolly socks are always useful when it’s a bit nippy. So tonight we’re looking at temperatures falling as low as minus 40 which should kill anyone stupid enough to be driving tonight if they get trapped in the snow and ice. Tomorrow it could get as high as 95 in the shade so remember to wear lots of sun cream, especially around the genitals and perhaps wear a hat to shade your head which is always good advice when it’s sizzling hot, no socks either, terrible things socks or tights for the ladies when it’s hot, causes sweat. Yuck!

Chris

Well, thanks Uma, and that’s y’news tonight Britain. Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!

News theme plays. Chris gets up angrily from seat. Andy is stood with his head in his hands, there’s no sign of Bob.

Chris

(in thick scouse accent)

I’m going to fucking twat Blackburn! Where is the jumped up little prick? I’m gonna stab him lad, swear down!

The End

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