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News Twat 3rd May

May 3, 2012

Olympics Concert Line Up Announced

In a bid to display the very best of British music, a special concert featuring bands from all part of the United Kingdom wil be staged on the 27th July at Hyde Park. Representing Wales are the Stereobores, representing Scotland Luigi Dulldini, representing Northern Ireland, Snore Patrol and representing England, Shawaddywaddy.

Said concert organiser Seb Cunt “what a tip top line up that will have every middle aged concert going couple across the land rejoicing. There is something for everyone in this line up, tired indie bluster, karaoke pop, MOR snooze ballads and ofcourse the brilliant Shawaddywaddy…..under the moon of love, ba dum-da dum dum-baa! This will really sell GBPLC to the rest of the world and underline just how friendly and inclusive we are as long as you’re white, middle aged and go to concerts at the MEN Arena and the Union Carbide Supa-Dome.”

Nuclear Weapons To be Placed Inside Pearly Queens

To welcome the billions of tourists expected to visit London for the Olypmics, defence and armed service chiefs have devised the biggest security operation in the history of the world. Defence minsiter Jeremy Blood-Bath told Swine “this isn’t just hysterical posturing to back up our war against the Taliban and islamic fundamentalists, no way, we have to demonstrate our total ability to repel an attack by specially trained suicide seagulls and homegrown jihadist invisible ninja warriors. To this effect we have positioned six thousand tanks around the Olympic Village, forty two thousand TA reservists in various locations around Heathrow and Gatwick, surface to air missiles on top of Big Ben and the McDonalds in Hackney High Street, three gurkas with blowpipes on the top of Ben Nevis and inserted nuclear weapons inside volunteer pearly Kings and Queens who will detonate their devices if anyone swarthy comes within an inch of the Queen or Boris Johnson.”

Asked if he was over-reacting to the terrorist threat, Blood-Bath replied ‘that’s typical of the wooly liberal elite, wait until your mum gets beheaded by an Al Qeada trained monkey puzzle tree and see if you like it then eh? Then you’ll blame me for not sending all monkey puzzle trees back to where they came from; monkey puzzle tree island or wherever.”

Prince Harry to be awarded state of New Mexico in recognition of helping toads

Presient Barak Obama will award warrior prince, Prince Harry ‘Scourge Of The Taliban’ the entire state of New Mexico in recognition for all the fantastic charity work he does helping to save the world’s toad population. The Prince himself a serving toad, said he was ‘honoured’ at such a gift but ‘wasn’t accepting on his own behalf but that of toads across the world who just want to live in peace under pebbles by the shed if it wasn’t for those damned magpies spoiling the garden for all the other creatures.’

Man With 8 Legs Allowed To Compete In Olympics

Despite complaints from the British Association Of Condescending Hypocrites, former commonwealth games gold medalist, Jermaine ‘the fastest man on 6 legs’ Cheesegrate has been given the green light to compete in this summer’s olympics. Despite being banned by BACH officials for being caught in possession of 6 legs, Cheesegrate has served his six legs ban and is now eligable to race against other athletes with up to 12 legs.

Walfordfield Street wins top soap award

For the 30th year since it’s inception, the top Londonchester soap opera, Walfordfield Street has won ‘best soap’ in the ‘best soap’ category at this year’s ‘Forget The Recession, Things Can Only Get Even Worse’ tv awards. Cheery Cockney manc barman/gangster, Alfie Whippet accepted the award with a message of hope to those being thrown out of nursing homes, hospitals and inner city tenements “It’s the jubilee year in the Square/On the Street and we will be having a great big, God bless yer ma’am party down in Walfordfield and you’re all invited, so fuck the doom and gloom mongers out there and let’s show the world what this great country of ours is all about; cosy rose-tinted sentimentality and tired urban reality cliches.”

Manchester derby ignites Rwandan genocide

Rival Tutsi and Hutu tribesmen went on a killing spree after the Manchester derby. Tutsi warriors known to be United fans reacted badly to City’s 1-0 win and rampaged through villages killing up to 7 million City supporting Hutus. City manager Guiseppe Scarfoni told Swine ‘zis is dreadful, dreadful defending United still favourites, City no chance.’

Spy found dead in hot dog sausage tin was probably murdered say experts

MI8 code breaking snoop bondage tranny operative, Jason Kinky was probably murdered it was revealed by top death experts in the high court. Jenny Stat-de-Obvious told the judge ‘There’s a very small possibility that Mr. Kinky could’ve cut him himself into little pieces put himself through a mincer and placed himself inside a tin then placed this tin in the Pimlico branch of Aldi. One of our expert witnesses, Mr Harry Houdini tried to do the same thing over a thousand times but couldn’t accomplish the task and ended up with a nasty cut to his scrotum. It is my professional opinion then that Mr Kinky was killed by persons unknown, a Russian agent or a gay octopus perhaps and then minced into hot dog sausages and placed inside a tin.”

The judge told the jury to disregard the stacks of hot dog fetish porn and various hot dog costumes scattered around Mr. Kinky’s flat as these could have simply been gifts for a hot dog loving relative or something. The police and MI? have denied that they covered up Mr. Kinky’s death and promised to hold an investigation into themselves headed by senioe Scotland Yard counter hot dog staff and MI@@@@ managers.

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