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Daft Mayors

April 11, 2012

Daft Mayors

The role of a mayor has always been a publicity magnet for cranks, egotists, buffoons and self-regarding politcal mediocrities. In the US, the mayor has real clout and the lieks of Ed Koch and Harvey Milk became legends as mayors of New York and San Francisco. Over here, the role of mayor has always been a bit less sexy, seen as more of a bonus for long standing councillors who can put on their fancy regalia and treat their missus or hubby to the odd steak dinner at the Rotary Club or Masonic Lodge. The mayor’s duties basically involved opening things and being photogrpahed with various local business people and happy locals made up that they’ve been provided with a new bus stop.

In Liverpool, the role of mayor came into disrepute with the much loathed Liberal loonpot, ‘Sir’ Trevor Jones and his charming wife, ‘Lady’ Doreen who used their position to lord it over the locals with displays of extravagence and debauchery that would put Caligula and Louis XIV to shame. Now Liverpool, along with other big cities is desperate to copy the example of London and the mayor’s role has been bolstered more as a way of sidelining local councilors and MPs rather than any noble crusade for democracy. The mayor, like US state governers, is an ego trip for all manner of self-publicists so ofcourse the usual array of professional scousers and self-elected ‘spokepeople’ threw their name into the hat.

As independent candidate, Liam Nofoggiest put it :

“Elections are a form of theatre and the idea that local celebrities will put themselves forward, make a splash and maybe come up with genuine ideas is a good thing.”

If elections are a form of theatre, then they wouldn’t sell many fucking tickets. As ‘celebrity’ hairdresser Herbert Howe has now withdrawn from the contest, perhaps Liam may even stand a chance because atleast he’s been on the tely although you may not recognise him. Fogerty has been putting his name forward as a potential mayor for years now and seems to believe he is some kind of celeb himself, although I’ve walked past him many times and wondered just which member of Cy Tucker and The Friars he is. This is Fogerty’s big chance to show us all what we’ve been missing.

As the other weirdos, single issue fanatics and deluded narcissists queue up to kiss babies and cuddle grannies Swine has produced it’s own cut and out and throw away guide to the men (and women) who would be mayor.

‘Prof’ Geoff Brookside – The Prof has two CSEs and boasts Frank Sinatra, Cilla Black and Spit The Dog as personal friends. The famous creator of such outstanding Bafta winning programmes such as Hollyside Comp is a regular face at slap up dinners and lieks to lecture people on the value of volunteering whilst picking up juicy cheques for ‘consultancy’ work.

Terry Hitler – the BNP/KKK/EDL/NF/Arts n’ Crafts candidate once owned a hippie boutique and now advocates using muslim children as bommy wood to fuel a giant ecofriendly furnace that will employ over 50,000 locals of God fearing, Irish-Anglo heterosexuals.

Councillor Jimmy Stomach – the former leader of the Labour group has claimed victory over the naysayers and doom and gloom merchants with the stunning new Mersey White Elephant development. Hand in hand with Peel Holdings and the Chinese government, this development will make Liverpool the richest city in the world and will create up to a billion jobs in the building and retail sectors. Stomach denies taking backhanders although he has just bought a 3 million pound carvan in Towyn.

Clodagh Strumpet – former soap actress and footballer’s wife, Clodagh is standing on a ‘Lady’s Day Every day’ ticket that she hopes will open up a political dialogue with gangster’s molls in massive rollers who walk around all day carrying cricket bags waiting for tv producers to film them as extras in Desperate WAG Divs.

Larry Fuggerton – respected reporter, Fuggerton once interviewed the Walton sextruplets for a special report on sextruplets back in 1989. Did you see it? Well, if you did, that’s him, that fellar from the telly who did that interview with the Walton sextruplets in 1989.

Tommy Mad – Tommy is a well-know local character who walks up and down Bold Street pouring shampoo over the heads of passing bald men. Jailed for 16 years for arson and murder in 1973, he now represents the Tory party in Aigburth and has demanded the UK withdrawl from the Human Rights Act and wants to declare war on Birkenhead.


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