Kenny Kicker & His Konspiracy Theories
“The illuminati met up again in a room above Chan’s chippy in Kenny last Wednesday. I saw em coming out of the Lobster Pot and catch the 76, Kissinger, Putin, Obama, Kofi Anan, Prince Edward, Pete Price, Herbert the lot of em, trying to look all inconspicuous by hiding their lizard tails by sitting dead close together on the back seat and spitting through the windows at the muslims on Smithdown. I followed em like and they bunked off on Edge Lane and ran through the back jiggers but I trailed em. One of em had dropped an agenda on the floor, so I picked it up and sent it to Julian Assange but I haven’t heard nottin back from the Aussie whopper yet. He’s one of em anyway, he’s just a smokescreen for Mossad him lad, CIA double agent, just look at his swede! Anyway I went in the Co-ey and got a photocopy done but the girl behind the counter was acting dead suspicious, kept looking over at me while I was trying to work out where to put the 10p. In the end she had to come over and I caught her trying to sneak a blimp at the agenda but I managed to divert her attention by fiddling with me knob in me tracky bottoms and she just showed me how to do a copy and chased these little ninjas out who were having off the french sticks. I’m onto her lad, she’s deffo Mi6 her, telling yer lad, she had a hidden walky talky under her hat. So anyway, here’s the agenda that Henry Kissinger dropped on Edge Lane.”
Illuminati Monthly Meeting March 2012
Venue – above Channy’s chippy in Kenny
Hebert from Herberts
Agenda Item 1 – War on Iran
It has been noted that the first stage of our regime change operation is well underway lad. Our mates in the western media have been steadily preparing the case for toppling Armadinejad by claiming the Iranians are developing nuclear weapons capability using high grade uranium smuggled into the country. Our Mossad operatives have identified and neutralised several leading Iranian scientists and our secret payments towards American political party funds and infiltration of United nations, NATO and western governments has allowed us to present this war by proxy as a fight for democracy and civilised values. We have also identified extreme examples of sharia law and publicised these via the media to present the Iranian people as a vicious, sadistic and oppressed populace who require western intervention to liberate them from their fundamentalist rulers.
Status report – boss!
Item 2 – The Queen’s Diamond Jubilee
Our media operatives have embedded every single trivial PR opportunity as real news – the succession plan to fuck off Charles and put William on the throne once we bump off Liz after the jubilee is also working to plan. The ‘cuckoo in the nest’ Harry has been a great success dancing with picaninnies in the colonies and is a great secret weapon to use as a foil to the robotic dullness of Billy Boy. Let’s hope he never finds out who his real dad is. Note: another phoney ‘tour’ of duty in Afghanistan must be scheduled before the assassination is completed – please deal with friendly militia to organise ‘Harry kills Taliban leader’ film footage.
Status report – Sound!
Item 3 – Chelsea manager job
Our plan to destabilise China by forcing our operatives Putin and Abramovich to use Andrea Villas Boas as an undercover operative has failed. Unfortuantely AVB was too good at his job and his diastrous run of results was felt to be too obviously shit to be believed by Chelsea fans and our Russian agents began to worry about the possible effect on the stability of the entire caucasas region and the plot to stir up anti-Communist dissention within the google/Occupy movement.
Status – abort!
Item 4 – tea
36 chop suey rolls, 12 bags of chips, no salt on Henry’s chips please.