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Newsblast – Monday Feb 20th

February 20, 2012

Boxers wanted by police for punching each other

In disgraceful scenes that shamed the world of hypocrisy, two leading boxers punched each other in a brawl that one onlooker described as ‘horrific.’ German TV cameraman, Hans Grunter told Swine “I haf never seen anyzing like it; zese two big black men squared up to each uzzer unt zen began fighting. It vos very scarey, ve are not used to seeing such zings in Germany.” Fight promoter, Frank Gangster denied the fight has damaged the world of hypocrisy. “It was unfortunate that an event that brought together two men whose profession it is to inflict violence on one another ended up in a sickening display of violence that earned me worldwide notoriety and a six figure sum in rights once the fuss has died down a bit. This is the best thing to happen to boxing since Mike Tyson bit Ozzy Osbourne’s head off.”

Greek Bail Out Plan In Place

Eurozone ministers have announced the latest plan to bail out Greece has now been agreed. Luxembourg’s prime minster Jean Claude Jumper-Pattern told Swine “we plan to loan Greece 130 billion euros so that they can pay off their next debt installment and then increase the size of their debt by 130 billion euros plus interest which they will have to re-pay by next year. If they can’t re-pay us and they won’t, then we will lend them another 130 billion plus interest and if they can’t pay this then we will have no option but to install a German banker as Greek head of state and take all the sunbeds in Corfu as a downpayment till they come to their senses and threaten the entire global banking system with collapse which is when we’ll back off and loan them another 300 billion plus interest.”

Rangers To Continue As Zumba Class

Enraged Rangers fans have vowed to keep the Glasgow club alive by tranforming the football club into a twice weekly Zumba class. Hunba Zumba spokesperson, Margaret Sash told Swine “Fitba or zumba? There’s no much difference. If it means the proud heritage of this proud club can remain proud and bigoted then we are prepared to use every tool available and at the moment zumba is all the rage. Some of the girls from the pie shop have already started and they love it, it’s like a mix between samba and kicking Tims to death.”

Murdoch To Launch New Sunday Paper

In a shock announcement News International boss, Rupert Murdoch has announced he intends to launch a new Sunday paper. Entitled ‘News of The World’ the paper is aimed at a mass market readership of easily titillated morons and gullible half wits who get their kicks from reading voyeuristic sensationalist shite about footballers, soap actors, dead school girls and Hollywood zombies. Media expert, Steve Hugetit told Swine “This is typical Murdoch, only a great operator like him could close one Sunday paper down and then open another up a few months later that’s exactly the same in order to cover up his own family’s cruel and greedy hold over the lives of millions of innocent people and desperate politicians.”


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