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Cathode Rage – Swine’s oh so satirical TV Guide

February 9, 2012

Call The Abortionist (BBC1)

Cosy Sunday night feelgood drama set in 1950s East End London. Young Vera is a naive young abortionist who has to come to terms with poverty stricken Cockney charicatures and cheery, eccentric nuns as she pops from squalid home to squalid home armed only with jolly hockey sticks verve, a bottle of gin and some knitting needles.

Hugh’s Three Starving Africans (Channel 4)

Hugh Fearnley-Wittingstall invites three very hungry Sudanese refugees to his River Cottage rural idyll and sends them out into the Devon and Cornwall countryside to survive on their wits and charm, foraging for wild berries and swapping cornish pasties for sexual favours with local fishermen.

Let Them Eat Cake (all channels)

More Edwardian costume drama based on the romanticised lives of ludicrous aristocrats and their idiotic servants. Upstairs Abbey meets A Passage To Brideshead sees various toffs, twits and twats dress up in silly outfits as revisionist Tory columnists write endlessly about austerity chic.

Live Teenage Placenta Porn (ITV1)

Midwives are the new vets as yet another programme exploits young mums and the mentally ill in a desperate attempt to lure paedophiles away from their laptops. Extra live birth action available on ITV+4+2.

Twelve O’Clock Dead (Channel 4)

All the stars of the hilarious Direct Line insurance ads join together in an 24 hour orgy of self-flagellation as they recall once appearing in genuinely subversive comedy programmes in the 90s. Armando Ianucci narrates.

Cops With Carrots (Channel 5)

Kent Constabulary have done away with old fashioned truncheons, tazers, CS gas, pepper spray and other weapons and have forced their coppers to carry around carrots instead in a cost-cutting PR exercise. This no holds barred, behind the scenes, fly on the wall documentary highlights the tough job that today’s coppers have when armed only with root vegetables to protect themselves from muggers, rapists, drunken teenagers and Islamic suicide bombers.

The Secret Commissioning Editor (BBC4)

Somwhere in a Salford flat lurks a terrified BBC executive who is so scared of rioters and gun wielding scallys that he can’t commission any programmes from the North of England. How will the BBC defend their much publicised move to Media City when only the cleaners and the car park attendants come from Manchester? The secret commissioning editor can only ‘work from home’ for so long before his bosses discover the truth; he still lives in Middlesex with his wife and six cats.

The Weather Programme (BBC1)

We Brits love the weather. Sometime’s it’s hot and sometimes it’s cold. Sometimes it rains, sometimes it snows. That’s the weather for you, it’s so unpredictable! With our national obsession for all things weather, who better than Prince Harry and a few of his pals from the Royal Arselicker Corp to travel around the world looking at all types of weather, from dead, dead hot weather to really, really freezing weather?

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