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Who will be Afghanistan’s Xmas No 1?

December 22, 2011

It’s the question on every goatherd’s lips from Kandahar to the Hindu Kush; just who will be top of the Afghan pops this Christmas?

Swine bookie, Paddy Fix gives us the low down on this year’s contenders.

2/1 Favourite – TALIBAN WIVES “Your tea’s ready!” – a propagandist master-stroke, Afghanistan’s favourite geek, Gahud Mummar, assembled a choir of Taliban wives for state TV and recorded this tearful tribute to their husbands fighting the infidel. The b-side “Your tea’s in the dog” is also a profound message of hope in the fight against western imperialism. The Taliban however have distanced themselves from the record and have threatened to kill anyone caught betting as it is un-islamic.

4/1 LITTLE FIX -“IED” – the winner’s of this year’s Afghan X-Factor, the four young Fixers have covered Darhar Ricebowl’s explosive anthem, a moving personal story of blowing off a squaddy’s leg and getting tortured by CIA agents.The tune copies Freeez’s AEIOU but goes IE, IED4U instead.

10-1 MERRY XMAS NOBODY (WAR IS NOT OVER) – Jahan and Yusuf – Afghanistan’s foremost war campaigners cover the famous John and Yoko classic with a twist, begging for war to extend into Iran, Syria, Lebanon, Egypt and Jordan thus encircling the Zionist oppressors and their infidel supporters in the US and UK. A positive message of destruction that will appeal to millions of blood thirsty Afghans grown tired of peace.

200-1 SMELLS LIKE CAMEL SHIT – Helmand’s Mayo Jug Band – a surprise addition to this year’s contest, this traditional folk song has been re-released by a protest group who are determined to stop the same old boring, regurgitated death songs getting to number one every Xmas.

Said protest leader Ahmed X “Every year it’s either some bunch of manufactured TV mini-terrorists or some godawful bunch of crying Taliban warlords singing about their kids and their tents back home in the Tora Bora mountains so we think it’s time ordinary Afghans said ‘enough is enough, let’s get back to songs about camels and stuff everyone can relate to.”

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