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December 7, 2011


In a move that has sent shockwaves throughout the pop industry, Las Vegas indie superstars, The Killers have sensationally tabled a multi-million dollar takeover bid for Southend neo-goth rockers, The Horrors. KIllers CEO, Brandon Flowers has made it clear that he is determined to stamp out any potential threat to his band’s market dominance and has instructed lawyers representing the band to offer Horrors stakeholders a generous package of backhanders and bribes to ensure The Horrors will be swallowed up by the US brand.

However, Horrors singer, Faris Badwan has declared he will do ‘everything in his power’ to stop the take-over. A source close to Badwan told us ‘Faris is like totally gobsmacked by the whole thing. He thought Brandon was his friend and now he has to deal with all this on top of moving flat and his cat dying recently. He’s at his wit’s end but Faris is a tough cookie OK, he’ll see off Brandon and the Killers. There’s no way his fans will allow The Horrors to become just another victim of Brandon’s ego.”

Flowers has meanwhile been busy spinning the story to potential investors declaring on Killers website that ‘the Horrors bid represents a 30 fold net profit for 80% of their shareholders and if we don’t receive a positive outcome to our proposal by close of play friday then the offer’s off the table. We’re playing hardball here and I’m a busy man. Look out The Black Keys you’re next is all I’m prepared to say.

Damon Albarn’s latest side-project, generating solar energy using the telekenetic powers of Ghanian antelopes has caused a furore across West Africa. Local tribespeople have denounced the Blur frontman’s plans to harness the sun’s rays by herding up to 80,000 antelopes in specially designated ‘Mind Fields’ where the brain energy of the beasts, said to be up to five times more intelligent than crocodiles, can be transformed into valuable electricity via special ‘cow helmets’ designed by Topper Headon. Albarn claims this method of generating kenetic energy has been used for centuries in remote parts of the Congo delta and powered his solo flight across Niger. A UNESCO official has asked BioFuels regulators to assess the Gorillaz head honcho’s plans even though they don’t strictly fall under their jurisdiction.

The Department of the Environment has closed ‘Stay With Me Till Dawn’ singer, Judie Tzuke for what they claim are ‘essential repairs to her foundations.’ DofE spokesman, Len Weld said ‘Judie’s been showing signs of wear and tear for years now and what we didn’t want to happen was for Ms Tzuke to collapse onto a local junior school killing everyone, the kids, the teachers, the dinner ladies and everyone else inside. Quite rightly the public would never have forgiven us if such a thing had happened. So, painful as it is for local farmers, lorry drivers and paedophiles, we’ve closed Judie for atleast six weeks. Anyone wishing to travel to Carol Decker can take the diversion around Laura Brannigan until further notice.”

Elbow front man, 6music DJ and three time winner of ‘the most patronised man in pop’ award, Guy Garvey will today unveil a bronze statue of himself outside Bury FC’s Gigg Lane ground. The statue has been designed by local sculptor, Eric Thump and stands over 400 feet high, dominating the local landscape and raising objections from some locals who only wanted a life-size statue of the Elbow hero.

One concerned resident, Ida Flap told Swine, “It’s just fucking massive. I like Guy and the guys as much as the next octogenarian fan of worthy if a tad dull epic northern indie rock bluster but there are limits. I don’t want to wake up every fucking morning with Guy fucking Garvey’s Richard Stilgoe eaten by Damon Gough mush staring through my curtain windows from three miles away. There’s talk of 700 feet joint statues of Phil and Gary Neville being erected at opposite ends of Bury market now, as the brothers think they’re bigger stars than Guy. I don’t know where this’ll fucking end, really I don’t.”

X-Factor finalists, Little Mix have launched their own guide to quantum physics that explains the theory in language that kids of today can ‘dig’. Says Little Mix singer, Leigh-Ann Pinnock “We’ve always been fascinated by quantum mechanics and our book is aimed at normal every-day school kids who love their facebook as well as their theoretical physics. When I first heard about Shroedinger’s Cat, it blew my tiny mind into little pieces so it did! Kids are interested in this stuff, black holes, string theory, Marcus’s dick size, the lot and we’re here to say, all kids aint rioters and looters baby, some of us are y’know totally into Einstein and shit.”


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