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NewsSlap – 7th November

November 7, 2011

Olympic Torch Route Announced

The London 2012 Oylmpic torch will fly across the Mersey on a racing pigeon, pop in for a pint at a typical northern pub in Sheffield, climb Ben Nevis on the back of a Chinese cocklepicker and travel the entire length of the Thames sticking out of Michael McIntyre’s arse. These are just a few of the piss poor PR stunts being planned by Lord Coe and the games organisers NoClu. Said NoClu spokeswoman, Hilda Wallaby ‘Make no mistake every puerile idea has been given serious thought. We have planned this route using Google maps and a wonky Sat-Nav borrowed from Halfords so there’s no chance of it fucking up. The torch isn’t just a stick with a bit of fire coming out of the end, it’s a symbol, a symbol of hope, of pride, of hope and ofcourse pride. We want the torch to literally touch every single person in the country and to burn some good old fashioned patriotism into their hearts or atleast onto their arms.’

Other plans for the torch include

* a guided tour of Tate Modern with Rolf Harris

* a weekend in a Scarborough B&B

* a typical Cockney pie n’ mash dinner with Barbara Windsor

* a night out in Bigg Market with some Geordie slappers

* a Reith lecture on ethical broadcasting with Kelvin McKenzie

* a special appearance with Susan Boyle and The Soldiers on Strictly and X-Factor

Tottenham Hotspur are thought be launching legal action to prevent the torch being passed to West Ham after the games have ended.


RABBI BUYS GEORGE HARRISON’S FORESKIN

A Canadian Rabbi, Jonathan Klutz has bought what is claimed to be former Beatle George Harrison’s foreskin for $340,000 in an auction in Birkenhead. The Rabbi, one of the world’s largest collectors of celebrity foreskins, purchased the item after it came to auction as part of former Beatles window cleaner, Terry Blag’s collection of Fab Four memorobilia now owned by former IRA chief of staff, Martin McGuinness.

McGuinness, a life-long moptop fanatic placed the items up for sale to pay for dental treatment for his dog. ‘Terry was known as the 86th Beatle because he was their favourite windoww cleaner for over 30 years.’ said McGuinness ‘He once owned three of John Lennon’s toe nails, Paul McCartney’s ear wax and Ringo Starr’s arse hairs but to have George Harrison’s foreskin on public display in Rabbi Klutz’s foreskin museum is a fitting tribute to a man devoted to world peace and genital cleanliness.’

CAPELLO INVESTS IN YOUTH

England manager, Fabio Capello has surprised football fans by including Sir Stanley Matthews and Mick Channon in his squad to face Malta and The Faroe Islands in upcoming friendlies. Said the Italian “These are tough games for us and I want to try out new guys like Stan and Mick. Both of tese players offer us options up front, Stan with his tremendous dribbling and Mick with his aerial threat. If we want to win the European championship next year then we must invest in youth and not rely on old men like Lamps and Andy Carroll.”

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