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NewsPunch – Bommy Night special

November 4, 2011

20 Tell Tale Signs That Iran Is Developing Nuclear Weapons

1 Shitty aerial photograph shows non-descript building in mountain valley

2 er, that’s it!

Prince Charles says Duchy Of Cornwall Is Only A Model

As pressure grows on The Prince Of Wales to disclose revenue from his Duchy Of Cornwall estate, the heir to the throne has claimed that the Duchy isn’t in fact a massive chunk of stolen of territory where he exploits tenant farmers and fleeces the Inland Revenue out of millions of pounds but is infact a full-scale model that exists in a string theory alternative dimension that only royals can see. Minsiters and Inland revenue chiefs have accepted that the Duchy is a ‘spatial anomaly’ but have insisted the Prince needs to pay ‘cyber tax’ totalling £5 million per annum into a special ‘multi-dimensional account’ hidden somewhere in the ninth ring of the quantum-taxosphere.

Greeks Vote To Veto Vote Veto

In a surprise move, the Greek government have backtracked on their decision to backtrack on a referendum to vote on the vote on the referendum to veto the referendum vote that they vetoed yesterday. Said EastEnders laundry owner, Georgios Papadopolous “I don’t know what the fuck is going on any more. I think I’ve voted myself out of the X-factor even though I only watch Strictly.”

John Terry Claims Anton Ferdinand Started Name-Calling Incident

In yet another attempt to defend himself against charges of being shown mouthing the words ‘hey you fucking black cunt’ on Live TV, Chelsea and England captain John Terry has claimed the QPR player started the name calling by calling him ‘a confused ostrich’ which he insists is a well-known racist insult in the East End. Terry claims it isn’t the first time he’s been racially abused by black premiership players as he also maintains that Patrice Evra called him ‘a deranged squid’ last season during the important Man United v Chelsea game and also claimed the entire Cameroon team sang ‘who’s the distressed grebe over there?’ at him whilst warming up in a friendly game that never actually happened. FA chiefs are looking into his claims amid accusations that Terry is being given special treatment because his hair smells like onion gravy.

Union Leaders Defend Strike Vote

Despite a zero per cent turn out in a recent strike vote, trade union leaders have claimed that 168% of their members voted in favour of strike action to defend their pension rights. Said UniScared leader, Dave Dickhead ‘in a time of massive cost rises and pay freezes, mass unemployment and cuts to public services, we want to cost our members another day’s pay in the run up to Christmas. Yeah I know we still invest millions into the Labour party’s coffers and they didn’t repeal any of the Tory anti-union legislation but I’m sure most low paid workers will be only too happy to sacrifice their hard earned pay so that we can organise another meaningless conference in January.”

Elton John says he wants his son to grow up ‘in a world without vowels’

In a passionate interview with Gay News, leading gay icon and gay rights campaigner, Elton Welsby has asked everyone in the whole wide world to stop using vowels. ‘Vowels are such a pain in the ass” he says “and David and myself don’t want to bring up our adopted trophy child in a world where people still go around using the letters A, E, I, O and most worryingly, U in this day and age. Surely it’s time we all grew up and accepted that vowels are part of the past and anyone using these terrible letters in the 21st century should have their tongues cut out and nailed to the doors of Cologne cathedral or somewhere.”

Pro-Vowel campaigners have vowed to continue using vowels however. “ltn Jhn cn g fck hmslf” said W Lv Vwls spksmn, Dvd Jhnsn.


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One Comment
  1. Brilliant mate! I haven’t laughed so much in years.

    (Sorry, I can’t think of anything remotely witty)

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