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Newsblast 27th October

October 27, 2011

GADDAFI COMMITTED SUICIDE CLAIM LIBYAN REBELS

As the fuss grows about the manner of Col Gaddafi’s death, leaders of the Libyan Transgender Gay & Lesbian Muslim Alliance claimed that the former leader shot himself in the head as he was being lead away by rebel troops determined to give him a a hot bath and a fair trial. One of the first on the scene, Muhammad Bin Dipper said “I was shouting down the drain pipe to him ‘come out Muammar, it’s all over, all we we want to do is wash your lovely fair, give you a quick shave and then hand you over to the legitimate international bodies who will ensure that you have a chance to defend yourself in an open court of law and spill the beans on your secretive oil deals with Tony Blair and George Bush. Forget the past we need to build a secure future for all our children with BP and Texaco and Shell helping us to rebuild our country. I’m sure Lockerbie will all be history once you tell the world how you financed the Boston Red Sox and the Daily Mail’s scratch card competition.’ Then he pulled out his famous golden revolver and shot himself twelve times in the head. I was so angry with him for taking the coward’s way out and failing his people once again.”

Other sources claim it was a special evil tyrant seeking guided missile fired from a NATO helicopter that killed the evil tyrant. Arms specialist Ken Wank said “it’s an open secret that the US have been developing missiles that can be aimed at undemocratic, cynical and oil rich dictators without causing collatoral damage to oil wells, kiddies and poorly equipped fanatical funadmentalist rebels. Infact one of these was launched in the Arizona desert but flew straight to Texas and almost blew up George Bush but thankfully only killed his black manservant and his family who were sleeping in the shed. A few tweeks were made by the boffins in the Pentagon and now these missiles only kill swarthy dictators with unkempt hair and shite muzzys.”

Royal Wooton Bassett Launches Range Of Pasta Sauces

In a dignified first step to honour the fallen soldiers of the Afghanistan war, the mayor of newly ‘Royal’ Wooton Bassett has launched a range of pasta sauces that he hopes will challenge market leaders such as Dolmio and Loyd Grossman. Said ‘Royal’ Henry Pompous-Prick, “it’s what the lads would’ve wanted, what they sacrificed their lives for really. You can’t get a decent choice of pasta sauces in the Kandahar branch of Sainsburys or even at the Swindon Tesco multi-store so we hope that our range of Royal Woorton Bassett Bolognese, Aribiata and Putanesca will really give Jamie a run for his money. The Princess Royal has given our carbanara the regal thumbs up already and hopefully Prince Harry will be able to put a few jars in his backpack the next time he embarks on a pointless publicity stunt. 20 pence from each jar sold will ofcourse go towards the local fireworks display.”

EURO MELTDOWN

The markets have reacted cooly to the latest attempt to hand over trillions of euros to the markets. Said one leading market expert “no-one actually knows what to do about this mess other than throw more money at the markets in the hope that the markets will not react badly to any attempt to baffle the public into believing that the markets actually exist. In fact there is no such thing as the market, it’s just a made up name for a bunch of self-serving so-called finance experts like me who sit around all day moving electronic money around the globe willy nilly based on insane gambling hunches about what’s gonna make us more money to hide away in offshore tax free accounts.

The only way the global economy can get back on its feet is for all the governments to agree to give people like me trillions of dollars and pounds and euros to buy up government bonds which are infact worthless to stop other people like me investing in gold and robbing copper cable from railway lines. Don’t tell anyone, this is between you and me but we’re all in it together, the IMF, the European Central Bank, the Federal Reserve, The Bank of England, the Tories, the Republicans, the Christian Democrats, the mafia, the Vatican, Mossad, the Women’s Institute. You scratch my back, I’ll donate a jar of chutney to the village fete. This debt crisis won’t solve itself so let’s pull up our socks, tighten our belts and think not what your bank manager can do for you but what you can do for your bank manager.”

David Cameron insisted that the markets were real. “All this talk of the markets being a fictitious bunch of faceless desk jockeys is a joke. I myself worked on the city floor buying invisible shares and trading them to non-existant clients in bogus bank accounts hidden away in underground bunkers deep beneath the swiss alps where a sinister man stroking a white cat fed anti-globalisation protestors to a pool full of hungry sharks. Look, money is an abstract concept anyway yah? Think of it this way, if I gave you a billion pounds in five pound notes it’d take up a fair proportion of your trouser pocket yet all that paper is only worth anything because of the abstract value we place upon it, as paper in itself it is entirely worthless. On a larger scale, if we put a trillion more Euros into the economy to bail out the Greeks and the Italians and the irish and the Spanish and the Portuguese and the Eskimos then none of that money is real, it’s just numbers, shapes, lights flickering on a screen, Wizard of Oz smoke and mirrors, I’m just a metaphor for all your fears and neuroses, wooooooooo!!!!!”

Swine’s financial analyst, Fat Macca explains “say you’ve got one firm grafting weed on the estate and everyone buys their weed from them and then the weed supply dries up, no-one’s got any weed cos the bizzies have confiscated a shipment in the Clog and all the little skunkheads are going round smashing their kens up cos they’ve gotta have weed first thing in the morning to wake themselves up. The bizzies need weed back on the street to keep a lid on it, the suppliers are storing up the stock cos now everyone’s desperate and will weigh in twice as much for an ounce and then along comes some other firm with a better bit of weed from another supplier at half the price and are knocking out using all your old ice cream vans. Well, that’s what’s happening in China lad! Or is it India, one of them anyway. Where am I going with this analogy? Anyway, what I’m trying to say is; we’re fucked lad.”

STONE ROSES ONE-OFF TOUR ANNOUNCED

After selling 5 million tickets in six seconds, grabbing concert promoters SJM have announced that the one-off reunion gig will now stretch out over seven months with 240 dates at Heaton Park, Manchester to be followed by a 600 date tour of the UK, Ireland, Denmark, Iceland, Libya, Iran, North Korea and Hull. Lead singer Ian Brown told Swine “even though I despise all the other members of the band who are nowhere near as charismatic or spiritual as me, I have to think of my kids Chrizzy boxes at this time of year and the new Playstation consoles don’t come cheap pal. Me and John have sat down and agreed to crack on we’re mates for the sakes of our bank balances and Reni’s gonna be wearing his trademark ‘Reni’ hat and Mani’s just gonna be Mani, an annoying prick with a grandad’s face who goes on and on all the time about fuck all.” Supporting the Roses will be Wet Wet Wet, Shawaddywaddy, Northside and Wayne Fontana and the Mindbenders (Hull only).

Chips Cure Cancer claims Chip Federation

The Chip Federation of Great Britain and Ireland have sensationally claimed that eating five or six portions of chips a day helps to stop cancer developing in most adults. A report sponsored by the federation and undertaken by the sponsorship department of the University of Corporate Bribes concluded that ‘the protein and calorific benefits of fried potato consumption in our test of three males and two females over a six day period showed that none of the participants developed cancer but did experience some bloating and adverse side effects such as greasy skin and speaking with a Lancashire accent. Although we can’t claim that eating chips actually deters cancer cells from developing what we can say is that our observations proved that chip consumption does not have a causal effect on cancerous tissue development therefore if the marketing department of the Chip federation wish to spin this story in the national media we will ofcourse offer a trite caveat to disassociate ourselves from the findings or indeed the conduct of this report.

Most Rioters Enjoy Rioting – report concludes

In yet another groundbreaking report carried out in the wake of the recent riots across England, Professor Yudon Say of the Governmental Study Unit has concluded that most of the rioters involved in the riots were :

young
poor
enjoyed rioting

whilst there were hardly any rich or old people who didn’t enjoy rioting involved in the riots, these results are however unique as they pinpoint the real truth about rioters who are young, poor and enjoy rioting. Many of them are young, poor and enjoy rioting and most of them have free school dinners and speak like fatBoy from EastEnders but we don’t want to say they’re all y’know B###k cos we don’t want the politically correct brigade on our backs so let’s put it this way; FERAL BLACK GANGS ROB INNOCENT WHITE FOLKS SHOPS (AND MURDER A FEW TERRORISTS). In other news the same department has found that most TV reporters are

white
university educated
wear north face jackets
repeat tabloid headlines as facts

BBC News wigwig Brain Bigg-Wigg refuted charges that his reporters were all white, middle class and harboured typical middle english prejudices about poor people.

“I think we were reflecting the vast majority of Daily Mail and Sun readers out there who were outraged at the behaviour of these so-called rioters. Even Guardian readers were miffed and that takes some doing. Almost everyone at my regular Friday evening dinner party was disgusted that these so-called rioters had helped themselves to expensive training shoes and bags of organic wholemeal rice and had been allowed to disturb our journey home to leafy suburbia. One of our pals Oyenku is black chappy and he was pissed off too so don’t play the race card because his father’s a surgeon.”

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One Comment
  1. Fat Jeff permalink

    Public schoolboy Mark Stone is now a hero to many in Middle England. He really got in the thick of the action armed with his i phone asking the rioters “Do you think this is fun”?? Expect Mark’s tale to be relayed over and over again at poxy dinner parties and the Pride Of Britain Awards.

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