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Swine’s Festival Guide

May 30, 2011

Summer’s almost here and we at Swine are getting dead excited about al the upcoming fezzys none of us will be attending cos we’re too busy taking the piss and acting all superior and above such whopper shenanigans. Anyway, if you’re the type of beaut who goes on and on and on about ‘Glasto’ or ‘T In The Park’ here are the summer’s pick of the festivals :

Oswaldtwistle Rocks – first it was Ibiza Rocks, then came a slew of different ‘rocks’ fezzys, Cleethorpes Rocks, Goole Rocks, Sandbach Rocks etc but Oswaldtwistle Rocks is perhaps the only Obcure Town Rocks festival that boasts a medieval torture tent and a black pudding tug of war in between gigs by various local skinny kecks bands and headliners, The Kings Of Leominster.

FestFest – The ultimate fest, FestFest takes place on the grounds of the 17th Earl of Incest’s estate in rural Herefordshire and has become something of a tradition for old Etonian nu-folkies and Oxbridge educated electronica artists alike. Samantha Cameron headlines with one of her infamous Neo-Con Women’s Institute DJ sets.

Shit In The Woods – A new addition to the overcrowded bank holiday programme, SITW takes place in a clearing in Delamere Forest and features lots of bands from the 80s who have reformed in a desperate bid to pay off longstanding beak debts and alimony payments. T’Pau have recently cancelled as Carol Decker married him out of Go West and now perform as T”GoWest-Pau.

Love Racism Hate Music  – The English Defence League’s response to the TUC’s Love Music Hate Racism festival, LRHM doesn’t actually have any music but a relentless loop of ‘E-E-EDL’ chants looped over the sound of a Lancaster bomber crashing into a German munitions factory. It takes place in Burnley’s Wetherspoons and there’s a free Union Jack balaclava for the kiddies.

ChickenStock – Marco Pierre White, fresh from whoring himself out to Bernard Matthews has now decided food is the new rock and roll and he’s Elvis. ChickenStock or to give it it’s full name Marco Pierre White’s Knorr Stockpot aka ChickenStock takes place on that cunt from Blur’s cheese farm and sees The Kooks, The Kocks, The Coops and The Coonts performing tedious indie karaoke to Skins fans from the home counties.

The Big Freeze – six hundred ambient snorecore artists and three thousand bearded DJs play whale music to each other and ten thousand blurts in Birkenstocks and their flowery wellied Petit Filou sweded kids on the grounds of a disused absestos factory in Smethwick.

Vernon Kaye’s Superinjunction Roadshow – beanpole Bolton bore, kerrzy Radio Zero dj, game show host and cooking oil fan, Vernon brings us his own wacky brand of slightly ironic grime/indie crossover with a whole host of greedy sell out Cockney Mcs and curly headed guitar geeks from Yorkshire mining towns in a display of how underground culture has been castrated by marketing men and accountancy firms.

Camp Worstival – DJ Burgle Da Building Society’s eight week fancy dress festival on the Isle Of Man has become one of the most eagerly anticipated festivals of the summer as it takes place in the middle of November. Headlining this year’s event is Robert Mugabe and his Boogie Woogie Orchestra feat the Col Gadaffi All Stars. This year’s fancy dress theme is Regency Architect/Albanian Pimp.

WarPontins – Warp Records and Pontins team up for yet another avant-electronica/cheesey holiday camp collaboration with this yer’s highlights the Autechre Donkey Derby and Aphex Twin’s Nobbly Knees contest.

 

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3 Comments
  1. Fat Jeff permalink

    Maybe you could send the link to the beauts who commission T4??

    More Cathode Rage as well please Swine.

    • Swine permalink

      yeah been a bit quiet for past few months due to family issues but hopefully back on course for a summer of lame satire and obnoxiousness

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