News Blast – Tsunami Special
Jamie Oliver to battle Japanese nuclear meltdown
Celebrity chef and social campaigner, Jamie Oliver has been flown to the devastated north east of Japan where he is personally overseeing the battle to avert global nuclear meltdown armed only with a whisk, some olive oil, a drizzle of lemon and a sprig of thyme. Oliver, who has no experience of nuclear technology but has immense charm and a white lab coat just like Heston’s believes he’s the man to save the wolrd from atomic armageddon. ‘At the end of the day, a malfunctioning nuclear reactor is a bit like an overcooked souffle. Both are bad news geezer but here’s a tip, don’t cook a souffle next to a fucking earthquake zone dude.’
Tsunami was Al Queda suspect
CIA officals have sensationally claimed that the tsunami that struck Japan was a high ranking member of Al Queda. Intelligence chiefs claim to have secret film footage of the tsunami attending a training camp in Pakistan and believe the killer wave was sent on his mission of death after becoming radicalised by muslim extremists whilst serving a three month sentence in Strangeways for non payment of council tax. Pentagon chiefs are demanding the extradition of the tsunami but human rights campaigners fear the wave could be water-boarded by US military chiefs.
Quake Moves Japan Three Miles From Californian Coast
The magnitude of the earthquake that hit Japan has moved the country thousands of miles to the east and is currently positioned three miles off the cost of California. Residents of San Francisco have complained that Japan is now blocking their view of the pacific and that surfing has become hazardous thanks to Japanese whaling fleets now operating just off the coast. On the plus side, some Californians are enjoying cheap flights to Tokyo which now take only five minutes.
Cliche Shortage Declared In Tokyo
Tokyo is fast running out of cliches according to media and business analysts. Once we had a glut of cliches about the Japs all being cruel and fanatically obediant then other cliches about the Japanese national character began to emerge such as their stoicism and work ethic. The tsunami has wiped away centuries of cliches in one fail swoop said one depressed reporter who went looking for signs of hope among the rubble but found only dead Nips.
Sue Narmy to sue tsunami
Leading actress Sue Narmy has asked to lawyers if the use of the word tsunami breaches her intellectual copyright. The former star of ‘My Husband, The Rapist’ was said to be outraged that the Japanese tsunami had been getting all the media attention at her expense. ‘This isn’t the fist time either’ she screamed at Hollywood reporters ‘why can’t they just call these fuckers very big waves or something? it’s taken me 30 years of sucking cock to get my name known in this town and now this tsunami steams in and steals the food from my adopted kids’ mouths.’
Emperor cancels visit to Legoland
Japanese emperor Akihito has cancelled his visit to Legoland planned for after the wedding of Prince Edward to David Furnish. ‘I was proper looking forward to it too but sometimes shit happens’ said the deity. ‘My people need me so I’ve told Ted n’ Dave like soz n’ shit but got loadsa funerals and stuff to go to. See ya next year homies.’
Man Rescued On Moon
A 75 year old man was rescued by astronauts after the tsunami washed him onto the moon. Found near the sea of tranquility still clinging to his wheely bin, the man had survived on a diet of moon dust and clangers and was said to be distressed, confused and suffering from a lack of oxygen but on the whole pretty healthy. Sadly his wife was found in a nearby crater with her throat cut. A 75 year old man has been arrested in connection with the suspected murder.