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News Blast – March 3rd

March 3, 2011
Murdoch sells leg to buy new arm

Media mogul Rupert Murdoch has agreed to sell one of his legs in order to buy another arm. British laws on limb ownership meant that Murdoch’s plan to buy a third arm would have been rejected as he already had two functioning arms and an old but active head. Murodch is determined to have three arms however, and has therefore sensationally agreed to sell off one of his legs. The front runner for Rupert’s leg is Lachlan Murdoch who plans to buy up all his dad’s body parts in the vain hope that they will transform him from a useless example of nepotistic empire building into a bona fide world beater!

Gadaffi adopts Beckham

 

Libyan leader Col Gadaffi has adopted David Beckham in a bid to ease the civil war threatening to overpower his regime. Since adopting Beckham as his son and successor, Gadaffi has started to copy David’s dress sense and has grown a Beckham Bumfluff mustache. It is rumoured that Victoria Beckham has become jealous of David’s relationship with the leader as they spend their afternoons rollerskating along Tripoli’s deserted streets and having steam baths together. Beckham’s children were not part of the adoption deal and have been sent to Elton John where they are to be brought up by wolves.

Welsh Voters Vote To Destroy Wales
In a historical referendum the voters of Wales are likely to decide that they no longer want to talk in a daft, made up language, wear clothes made from leeks and daffodils and sing hymns whilst playing rugby in coal mines. Such cliched concepts are out of date in a modern globalised economy said one minister who suggested selling Wales back to Prince Charles for thirty bob and added ‘Wales never really existed in the first place, we just pretended to be Welsh to piss off the English.’  

 

 

 NATO To Declare No Fly Zone Over Old Firm Games
  
In a bid to end the sectarian violence surrounding Glasgow’s ‘Old Firm’ games, all future matches will be played with a NATO No Fly Zone in operation aimed at stopping opposing fans, players and managers launching air strikes against eachother from their respective homelands. The United Nations secretary general, Mar Kee Moon  has also requested an international ban on the sale of flutes and demanded all assets of the clubs held in offshore accounts be frozen. Violence flare donce again at last night’s match when the Rangers and Celtic managers cut off eachother’s heads  and threw them into the crowd as police attempted to calm the situation by throwing Monster Munch at disabled fans.   

 

 

Charlie Sheen Denies He’s An Actor
  
In an amazing interview with American chat show host, Dolly Botox, notorious drug fiend, Charlie Sheen has denied being ‘an actor for over 30 years.’ In a rambling, wild eyed outburst Sheen screamed ‘who’s to say who is and who isn’t an actor? Me? You? My dad? Senator Joe McFuckingCarthy? Oscar the motherfucking Grouch? Hey man, I haven’t acted for years now. OOh poor me, I’m so sad my mommy spiked my milk with methadone, that’s just all bullshit Actor’s Guild talk, but when I do act, then watch out baby, cos I really go for it, making funny faces and wiggling my eyebrows and talking Cockney n’ shit…..spare us a farthing gavnor!’    

 

 

Weather Is Warmer Today Than It Was Yesterday

 

In a trend that has seen weather trends become trendy, today was described as slightly warmer than yesterday which was much colder than the day before. It is not certain if such extremes in the climate amount to global warming which will see the entire north pole melt before the end of the week or the first signs of an new ice age that will cover most of the northern hemisphere in a massive glacier by next Tuesday. ‘All we can really say’ said ITV weatherman, Fred Talbot ‘is that it’s quite nice out now but by eight o’clock it could be a bit nippy.’

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