Jamie’s DIY Death Camp
Fresh from his crusade to make everyone in the world’s lives so much better by eating lovely food, Jamie Oliver’s next challenge is perhaps his most controversial yet. Everyone’s favourite cheeky chappy Essex millionaire self-publicist and his lovely lovely family are teaming up with some of Britain’s foremost thinkers, radicals and eugenics experts to construct a modern day death camp. This is a place where fatties, Islamic fundamentalists, student protestors, trade unionists and disability benefit scroungers will be sent if they fail to take up Dave Cameron’s Big Society challenge.
It may seem drastic but the deficit calls for drastic action, infact the very kind of ‘muscular liberalism’ that Il Duce has called for and who better to lead this campaign than everyone’s favourite self-serving Tory stooge. Sir Jamie Oliver MBE has all the skills needed to take this final solution forward; immense charm, total self-belief, an ability to ingratiate himself with everyone from royalty to hoodies and a fucking massive tongue.
Jamie’s DIY Death Camp will open its doors to the first train load of lard-arses, deviants and terrorists in the summer but first Oliver’s team must select its staff, train the alsations and build the gas chambers using only their own initiatve and 10 billion dollars donated by Homebase and MI6. Already signed up to the project are Kirsty Allsop, Lord Alan Sugar and Heston Blumenthal. Martin Amis has offered to be the first ‘handle puller’ but Jamie himself has bravely decided to gas the first residents selected for ‘Early Retirement’.
‘If you wanna commit mass genocide then atleast have the balls to gas the useless fuckers yourself’ Jamie joked to reporters at the launch of his new restaurant ‘Zyklon B – West 1’ ‘I mean it’s not as if they haven’t been given enough chances is it? I have to pay 40% tax for these bone idle fuckers and what do I get eh? I tell yer what I get multi-million pound book deals, advertising contracts, spaghetti sauce ranges, wall to fuckin’ wall tv, radio and newspaper coverage, the unconditional love of my hideous missus and middle class eunochs across the land and a great big hole in my massive fucking pocket. If people won’t prep their rocket right, work 60 hour weeks for their benefit and avoid parental responsibility by not palming their kids off on nannys and boarding schools, then I say ‘gas the cunts.’ It might sound harsh but believe me, the public’s right behind me on this one.”
Jamie’s DIY death Camp begins on Channel 4 in June.