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New Films : The King’s Dick etc

January 7, 2011

The King’s Dick

Britain is at war with Germany and with Adolf whipping his massive kraut cock out at every opportunity, the hardpressed British public demand that their idiotic, dick-shy monarch slaps his Teutonic knob on the table too. Petrified that his tiny in-bred winkle won’t measure up to the Tyrolian tyrant’s, Aussie knob-coach, Dougie Todger gives King George The Whatever an intensive course of shlong stretching therapy. With the Queen’s encouragement timid Georgie finally gets his cock out infront of his adoring public and single-dickedly saves the entire world from evil Nazi cock fascism.

127 Morons – how many morons does it take to find the story of a moron cutting off his own head, an uplifting tale of the triumph of the human will? 127 morons? Maybe 127 million. Based on the real story of Aron Fuckwit, who claims to have cut off his entire head after becoming trapped under a giant fridge, Danny Boyle’s latest oscar certainty celebrates the kind of Yanky heroism that picks off Afghan children from a mile in the air. Woooh! U.S.A!! U.S.A!!!! America? Fuck yeah! Way to go Aron, way to go Danny!!! Take that Al Queda!!!

Arabs & Monks – the true tale of how a community of potty religious fundamentalists end up getting topped by peaceful Algerian freedom fighters. Or the other way around. Who gives a fuck? Let’s face it, monks deserve everything they get and atleast they know they’re going to heaven to see baby Jesus and Michael Jackson and Gerry Rafferty and Mick Karn from Japan, so who are the real losers here?  

Mad Goose

Natalie Cassidy plays er, some ballet dancer bird who wins the part of the Fat Goose but begins to crack up as she piles on the pounds becoming addicted to chop suey rolls and salt and pepper chips. In a film that leaves audiences unsure what is reality and what is fiction, Cassidy’s EastEnders character, Sonya seems a thousand milimetres away as she tries to ‘fly without wings’ in a film about the nature of identity, artisitc sacrifice and salt and pepper chips.

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